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Post by Bubonic Plague on Mar 20, 2012 11:13:55 GMT -5
I decided to do a second page on the RP Critique thread, because I didn't want to butt in someone else's RP story being critiqued.
I can't wait to start trying this, but I'm sorta' stumped on how to write out the words. I have the ideas in my head, I'm just going to have to figure out how to get them down on the keys.
As for all the other RP practice stories I've read, it's so addicting to read them! I even read the regular RPs, and those are really good. I don't know exactly when I'm starting, but I know I'll be doing this soon enough in my Spring Break time. I'm also trying to get my second chapter done for my FF.net story too. Once that's done, then I can post RP on this thread.
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Post by professorpineapple on Mar 21, 2012 20:04:03 GMT -5
I think we've only ever had one proper practice thread here, actually - the rest on this subboard have just been one-on-ones. The best way to start a RP is to keep it fairly simple and opened - establish where your character is, what they're doing, and why. It's hard to get it "wrong," unless you have a character sitting by themself, and unwilling to interact with anyone. If you'd like, I can start something for you - just lemme know what kind of story you had in mind
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Post by Bubonic Plague on Mar 21, 2012 20:12:11 GMT -5
Got it... Describe the setting, and have interaction with the characters...
I'm typing up Juri's story right now...
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Post by Bubonic Plague on Mar 21, 2012 22:19:28 GMT -5
"Juri, put some work into it!" Mr. Burton barked at the brunette. Juri's face was red and warm. Sweat beaded down his forehead, trickling off his chin as he wrangled Damon in an Anaconda Vise. Damon broke from his grip, picked him up and threw him in a Samoan Driver. The whoosh of refreshing cold air swept Juri's face as he was slammed into the mat. The Jocks were cheering them on, with their voices echoing in the gym."Juri, Juri, Juri!" "Damon, give him a Leg Sweep!" "You lazy ass!" Burton's voice was louder. "You fight like a 6 year old girl!" Little girl?! I am not a little girl! I am a man, and a strong one! I'm the strongest man at Bullworth!Juri was not going to let Mr. Burton down. He pushed Damon off, turned him upside down and gave him his signature move, the Piledriver. However, Damon recovered and knocked Juri to the ground, and held him in a Camel Clutch."1..." Mr. Burton began the Three Count.Juri clenched his teeth as his Damon pulled him tighter. He couldn't lose! Not this time! He can't lose to Damon. It would be the biggest mistake he would make in his wrestling practice!"2..." Mr. Burton slapped his hand down again on the mat, almost near 3.No! You cannot let Damon win! Have to get up!"3!" Mr. Burton gave his final hand and blew the whistle. "Juri, you're out!" Damon let go of Juri, and everyone ran up to him. Juri stood up, bending over his knees, panting. There were woots and high fives for Damon, while Juri wiped the sweat from his face. Luis, his best friend, walked over to him and handed him a towel and a bottle of water. "Thanks Luis." Juri put the towel over his neck and twisted the cap, gulping down the whole plastic bottle. He then crumpled it in his right hand and dropped it to the floor."I needed that." "Any time buddy!" Luis gave him a pat on the back, but then noticed a girl sitting at the bottom of the bleachers. He saw that it was the new student, Mikhaila Miloslavskaya. Mikhaila was watching Juri the whole time. Her eyes were sparkling with interest." Eto bylo porazitelʹno ! That was astounding!" She said to herself in Russian. " Eti shagi byli vypolneny prakticheski idyealʹno . Those moves were almost perfectly executed!" Wait a minute! Why do I like him all of the sudden? I hate that bastard! Or...do I not? Oh, but he was amazing! If only I could get closer to him, but... No, I must not do such a thing! I just can't resist looking at him, though. Oh, my!Luis in a serious manner, tapped Juri on the shoulder. "Dude, check behind you!" Juri took a deep breath for a moment before turning to see Mikhaila. Mikhaila froze as soon as he looked at her. Her heart was beating fast. What could she do?"Hey!" Luis yelled at her. "What are doing here?! Get lost!" ((This took me a couple of hours to do. Tell me if there are any errors or if I need any suggestions. You can add in any OCs along to interact with Juri or you can RP as Juri. It would be awesome if you RP as your Juri, I kinda want to practice talking to him with my character. I think Chaplin would be cool to talk to Juri, but that's up to you Memai. CRITIQUES PLEASE ))
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Post by Bubonic Plague on Mar 21, 2012 23:11:16 GMT -5
((Sorry there wasn't as much dialogue. :/))
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Post by professorpineapple on Mar 22, 2012 5:34:10 GMT -5
((That's actually not bad! I really like the first paragraph especially - such a vivid description of the match. But, Mr. Burton seems to have forgotten how numbers work. "3, 2, 3"? Haha It's always a good idea to reread your post before you submit it, to catch little things like that. Also, a note on grammar: Use the exclaimation point very, very carefully. It's generally recommended that you don't use it in exposition, only dialogue and thoughts, and even then, use it sparingly. The words themselves should have enough impact to suggest that they're being said strongly, even without strong punctuation. Overuse of the exclaimation point can make a dramatic moment seem cheap, and be kind of annoying to read, because it seems like the text is shouting at you Also, when you do use an exclaimation point, only one is necessary. "Damon, give him a Leg Sweep!!!" doesn't sound any stronger than "Damon, give him a Leg Sweep!" The extra exclaimation points just kind of get in the way. If, for some reason, you wanted that line to look especially loud, maybe you could mention how it seemed to echo in the gym, or rise about the rest of the shouts from the crowd, or something to that effect. As for the Russian bit, it looks weird to have a full sentence in Russian, right beside its direct translation. As far as I know, no one on this board speaks Russian, so if Mikaila is mumbling to herself in Russian, it'd be best to just write her dialogue in English, with the dialogue tag saying something like "she said, in Russian." Also, bolded letters are only used for thoughts on this board, so it'd probably be best to have her Russian dialogue in just italics. If you'll notice in some of the other threads, we have two other bilingual characters - Emil and Tony. They never speak in full German or Italian, but may drop in a few phrases, which are only italicised, and then translated in an OOC note at the end of the post. OKAY POST TIME. You can critique me, too, if you catch anything wrong with it )) The cheerleaders whooped with the crowd, bounced with their pompoms in the air. This was nothing special, really - just another day in gym class - but it was hard not to get excited. After a whole day of sitting at a desk, fighting to remember dates and formulas and facts, the energy the jocks all had pent up inside was just bursting to get out. There was this electricity in the air that, for Bullworth's more athletic students, only existed on the courts and in the field.
Mandy, Christy, and Angie skipped into the crowd to congratulate Damon on his victory. The two remaining cheerleaders were feeling less inclined to huddle around a big, sweaty boy, regardless of how his spandex wrestling uniform complimented that rock-hard bod. Pinky Gauthier dropped her arms, gave an airy little sigh, and threw Amy a polite smile."Well, that was...charming," she said to the tall Latina girl. Of all the cheerleaders, Pinky was usually the first to lose enthusiasm. She found the jocks' energy infectious while they were in the moment, but at the end of the day, Pinky didn't care much for sports. It was all about the pompoms and cutesy uniforms for her. Amy couldn't really hold it against her - if she could afford it, she'd probably prefer shopping and fine dining, too."I need a shower," said Pinky, with another tiny sigh. "Daddy's expecting me home soon. I'll see you later." Still too breathless for words, Amy could only wave to the other girl as she turned on heel and left. The pigtailed girl slumped down onto the bleachers, and set her pompoms at her feet. A sudden shout caught her attention then. "Hey! What are you doing here!? Get lost!" Amy turned to see Luis and Juri staring down a girl she had never seen before, with dark curls and a floral scarf. Just one glance at her, sitting there by herself, was enough for Amy to make up her mind: social reject. She had a hard look about her, somehow, and normally that was just Amy's "type," albiet secretly. But the way she appeared to be staring at Juri made Amy feel oddly defensive.
Amy had a bit of a history with the Russian boy, though it was never anything serious. They'd dated on and off earlier that year, at school socials and football afterparties, and group outings to the beach. Juri wasn't much for conversation, but he was brawny and cool and all the other girls had approved. Christy and Angie had insisted that they had been "soooo sweet" together, but Amy couldn't help but think that they were just hopeless romantics. Admittedly, there was something exotic about holding hands with a boy from Europe, but these days, Amy prefered those hands with the twisted, red scars.
Even if there had never been that "spark" that the cheerleaders were always giggling about, Amy still considered Juri a friend. He could be surprisingly sweet - a real old-world gentleman, when he wanted to be. She found him to be quite pleasant. Someone like that didn't deserve some kind of weird, creepy stalker-girl, if that's who this new girl was.
Besides, Amy'd been keeping the other girls in the dark about her love life as of late, and Christy was already stirring up rumors of a possible get-together between the Mexican girl and the beefy wrestler. Of course, Amy'd cleared things up with a certain someone, but as far as everyone else was concerned, Amy and Juri were still some kind of thing. If she were to let some homely new girl come in and put the moves on him now, who knows what the others would think? Both of their reputations were on the line here, and at Bullworth, reputation is everything."Hey, hun, you lost or something?" Amy addressed the dark-haired girl, her voice saturated in fake sweetness. "This place is for athletes - we don't got room for no wimps." The cheerleader turned to Luis and Juri, and said, "Sorry, is this girl bothering you?" "I think she was just leaving," said Luis, half-sneering.
The two turned to Juri, and waited, in case he had some sort of biting insult to give her before they kicked her out. Out of the corner of her eye, Amy caught Mandy staring.((Not sure how well Juri and Mikaila know each other, or what their relationship is at this point, so no Juri dialogue yet. Sorry!))
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Post by Bubonic Plague on Mar 22, 2012 8:52:40 GMT -5
((Damn your post is good! O.O I can't really tell if there's any errors, but probably Memai or someone else would notice. This is college written, if not, you were a good reader when you were younger. Gosh, I lack alot of English skills ._. and I'm expected to be in Pre-AP English next year. Ooops, did I really put the numbers wrong? I tisk myself :< ))
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Post by professorpineapple on Mar 22, 2012 9:26:44 GMT -5
((Thank you! I'm not in college, though - still in highschool I've just been doing this for a while. I PATIENTLY AWAIT YOUR NEXT POST~))
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Post by Bubonic Plague on Mar 22, 2012 10:30:06 GMT -5
Dr. Crabblesnitch decided it was best for Mikhaila to be put in all of Juri's classes to translate her Russian to other teachers. Juri was also suppose to be helping her with the English language since he knew most of it already. He thought it was nice to have someone else from his own country, but it's not like he really enjoyed doing work to teach a girl a different language. Juri was wondering why Mikhaila was even in gym, especially since she tried to scratch his eyes out earlier from being called dorogoĭ, "darling" by him. He was only trying to be polite, but it seemed as if she took it offensively.
"Is there something I can do for you?" Juri asked in Mikhaila's native tongue.
Mikhaila shook her head. She wanted to be in the gym after Juri told her that he was in wrestling. Mikhaila loved wrestling. She even watched it back at home with her cousins in Russia. Mikhaila was curious about Juri, and wanted to see him practice. She forgot about the incident between them and was focused on his moves more than anything.
"No," Mikhaila replied back.
"Then what brings you here?"Juri dried his face with the towel that Luis had given to him.
"I came to see you lose!" Mikhaila said coldly. There was nothing in her voice that indicated any emotion towards Juri.
Juri sighed with disappointment. Mikhaila didn't mean to do that, she just wanted to cover up the tracks of being kind to him. He doesn't need feelings from her, at least that's what she thought. Juri saw an opportunity for her to be nice, but he turned out to be wrong at the moment.
"No, wait!" She called out to him after being hesitant.
Mikhaila's eyes grew big as a sad look came upon Juri's face. She didn't want to hurt him. What if he cried? Juri was a man and he did not need to cry, but it was still very cruel to say that to him.
She bit down on her lower lip and her eyes began to water."I'm sorry. I...I came to see you wrestle."
Juri noticed Mikhaila's cheeks were turning pink. He was confused to what Mikhaila was trying to do. Why would she would want to watch him wrestle? There were so many questions to ask. He needed to know her true purpose.
((This post was a little shorter, but at least I got some thoughts down. Any more errors?))
9:03 A.M ((I'm just going revise it, I don't want to spoil any good parts now))
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Post by Memai on Mar 22, 2012 10:50:30 GMT -5
(( 'stingy' tone? I think you mean snobby or even condescending XD 'Stingy' means well... 'cheap', as in, like, a cheapskate XD Unless you meant to say it was supposed to 'sting' Juri? You could just say, instead: ""I came to see you lose!" she said harshly/cruelly.
Also, when writing about romance, you don't have to tell everyone what your character is thinking. Because they may not know themselves.
You don't have to say, "Mikhaila" had a huge crush on Juri and wrote all these letters to him secretly." That just takes half the fun of the attraction away.
Instead, you could say: "Mikhaila kicked herself mentally when she realized what she had said hurt Juri. She bit her tongue and swallowed her pride. She blushed deeply as she called out, "No, wait!" She ran up to him, apologizing, "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to say that. I came to see you wrestle."' ))
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Post by Bubonic Plague on Mar 22, 2012 11:00:39 GMT -5
((Okies... Retake~ Can I just rewrite some of it on my last post? No one reply to the RP part yet!))
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Post by Bubonic Plague on Mar 22, 2012 11:28:04 GMT -5
((Ok, I rewrote the rest... We can continue now. Thanks for the help Memai! :> ))
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Post by Bubonic Plague on Mar 22, 2012 21:50:56 GMT -5
((Ready when you guys are.))
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Post by Memai on Mar 22, 2012 22:09:18 GMT -5
(( Oh hey, totes forgot to mention this because I'm the biggest derp in existence :V But I think it's a little bit weird you didn't respond or acknowledge Amy, Professor's character. I know you'd like one of us to RP Juri and whatnot, but RPs are all about interacting with different characters. Characters your own OC might not normally talk to, that's what makes it interesting :V
For example; Stevie and Chaplin are about as unlikely a duo as all hell, a derpy Bully and beefy Jock? But through interacting with each other, they now sing 'Bromance' to each other and buy each other engagement pizza :V ))
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Post by Bubonic Plague on Mar 22, 2012 22:20:06 GMT -5
((Oh yeah...I saw Professor's character profile, and I got to admit, Amy has the hots for Juri, or a little so-so. Maybe Mikhaila can get into a fight or something over Juri. XD It would be crazy!!!))
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