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Post by pupycat1 on Jul 14, 2011 0:43:32 GMT -5
NEW PICTURE OF NEFI >>> pupycat1.deviantart.com/#/d3r8ej3Full Name: Nefertiti Kirsche (( her parents really liked the name, and thought it was unique.)) Nickname: Nefi (Nef-eee) Age: 16 and in tenth grade. Birthday: August 18 Sexuality: Straight Sex: Female Height: 5 ft. 8 in. Weight: 129 lb. ((She has some mussel because she really likes lifting weights and staying fit)) Race: White (She is Irish and Norwegian) Language: English Skin tone: 1 ((light skin facial freckles)) Eye Color: Blue Hair Style: pupycat1.deviantart.com/#/d3nnsnd ((her face in that picture is bad I know just ignore that)) Hair Color: Plain black. Facial Features: Larger nose, freckles on cheeks, and thin eyebrows. Defining Features: Freckles Body Shape: Not overweight but has some muscle ( Nefi has muscle because she lifts weights in her spare time and is always active when running from authority. Fighting style: Nefi unlike most of her friends prefers verbally abusing people over physically. Outfits: Summer Uniform: : White dress shirt with red suspenders, she wears black pants with a high cut waste that end at her mid shin. And light blue sneakers pupycat1.deviantart.com/gallery/#/d3lovn7 • Winter Uniform: wears a blue and yellow jester snowboarding hat. Pants that have a high cut waste but the legs go all the way down to her feet. Personality Info Habit: • Nefi has a habit of snapping her suspenders • Traits: • Nefi has a big ego and thinks she is better then most people because she can take care of herself and can achieve things on her own. • Nefi like most girls likes her hair and she keeps hers neat for the most part. Most Pronounced Trait: Nefi is very energetic, and confident. She is rude and judgmental for the most part. • Hidden Trait: Even though Nefi is a bully and a brute, she is loyal to people who she thinks are worth her time. why? (she doesn't think all people shouldn't be trusted) • Worst Trait: Nefi is unnecessarily mean to people. Goals: Nefi wants people to know who she is in the world. Fears: Nefi has a fear of being chased. and getting fat. Hobbies: Nefi likes to lift weights and play local sports. Favorite class: Nefi likes English class because she likes to learn new words that make her sound smart. She used to like gym class until she found out the teacher is creeping on all the girls. Beliefs: Though her mother is Jewish Nefi and her mother do not practice the religion. Nefi is agnostic. Passions: Nefi actually loves being active and playing sports. She would love to go into sports one day, her favorite sport is field hockey though she was upset to hear that Bullworth doesn’t have a field hockey team or any girl sports for that matter…other then cheerleading. (which Nefi can’t stand) Rate out of 10: • Endurance:5 • Strength:4 (( She is toned because she likes to be active)) • Intelligence(Left): 4 (she actually goes to class sometimes) • Intelligence(Right): 5 • Honesty:2 (( She lies a lot to get out of trouble what bully doesn't)) • Compassion: 3 ( (She's a bully)) • Beauty: 4 (( she spends time on her hair and that’s it. She actually isn’t super pretty, she wears no makeup and has a larger nose.)) Social Status Clique: Bullies Friends: Ethan Robinson and Trent Northwick Crush: Tom Gurney Enemies: Nefi hates preppies and how they think they are so much better then her and everyone else because of their money. She believes that if someone has an ego, it should be disserved. She thinks the Preps have everything handed to them. And that if they were to really deserve to gloat about their money and what not they should earn it instead of getting a trust fund. Least favorite people: Bif Taylor, Derby Harrington, and Hal Esposito because she hates fat people in general because to her is shows that they don't give a damn and are lazy. (she hates lazy people) but a fat guy with a huge ego and a stupid look makes her want to hate him all that much more. Outlook on Life: Nefi thinks that human life is too prectious to waste by being lazy, dumb, and non productive. Nefi loves the feeling of accomplishment and being productive. Short Bio. Nefi grew up with her mom and dad as a couple until she was 15. Her father and Mother divorced because of an affair that went on between Nefi’s father and another woman. When they divorced her father left and her mother couldn’t take being in the same home anymore. Nefi’s mother moved them to Old Bullworth Vale, finding her dream home and leaving their old life behind. Nefi’s mother is self obsessed and doesn't pay much attention to Nefi. Nefi has not brothers or sisters. Nefi was also teased herself as a young child, Kids used to make fun of her saying she was ugly. She enjoys being the bully nowadays so She can have a sense of power over people and not be the looser.
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Post by Memai on Jul 14, 2011 1:32:31 GMT -5
Oh my... where do I begin? You have a pretty good foundation to work on, but there are a LOT of contradicting points (or points that just bug me in general), Most importantly though, please check on your spelling :< 'Muscle' is not the same as 'mussel', as far as I know, 'mussel' is a sort of seafood We're not trying to be super picky, but it's little things like that is what brings down the quality of a post :< And you know, it's jarring to read about a girl with 'lots of mussel' XD Also, it's spelled 'straight', 'strait' is a body of water. The first problem right off the bat with your character? Her stats are too high all around :\ Now, she's a bully, which means that she's mean to a fault, probably doesn't care about school, likes to pick on kids and is street-smart and can get away with almost anything. Endurance means how long she can last in a fight or long she can run for; she's smaller and weighs less (presumably) than the other characters, so she WILL get knocked out. Also, the only other character with a high endurance stat is my jock OC Chaplin, and he's only got a 7 and that's ONLY because he's a jock. Her strength also needs to be taken down a notch. Huge characters like Chaplin and Kay (who have a stat of 8) get higher stats because they're physically much larger and much stronger. Your 5'8" girl isn't going to have a punch that almost matches up to a 6'3" all muscle Hawaiian linebacker or a 6' Orc Hulk Warlord nerd. A 6 would probably be better. Left intelligence denotes how well she does in rational thinking. If her stats are that high, that means that if a character gets into a fight with her, they're boned. And that's not fair at all. Think about it; if they can't beat her physically, then she's able to create weapons like stinkbombs so that she has time to get away from a fight. And that's just a shit way to play, man :< She's also a Bully, a member of a clique who have NO interest in going to class. Bring it down to a 3 or a 4, please. Right intelligence means how good she is in abstract thinking. I can see this as being useful for a bully in terms of manipulation, but this is just too freakin' high. The only other character with this high of a stat is REL and she's the queen of manipulation. Sure, Nefi may be creative, but as creative as an artistic PRINCESS as REL? I don't think so. Bring it down to a 5, por favor? Honesty and compassion are just right for a Bully :> Beauty is a 6? She must be gorgeous. Roxy has a beauty of 5 and she's already considered pretty by at least two other characters in-game. Rylie, who's leggy and fit enough to be a cheerleader, only has a rating of 3. Look, she's a bully, right? She's bound to get in fights, right? She's gonna get scratched up, right? She's NOT going to be prettier than Roxy or Riley, both of whom never get into fights and ALSO only brush their hair and wear fitting clothes. A 3 or 4 please D: Especially if she has awkward features like a larger nose. Do not be afraid to give low stats for your characters. Just because they have lower stats, doesn't mean they're not interesting. On the contrary, here are some examples; Roxy can't fight and isn't good with abstract thinking, she's also not much of a looker. But she's a good character (imho) because she's caring and compassionate, even though she's nosy. REL's a bitch who doesn't care about you and flirts with every boy in school even the one you're dating, but she's fun to read about because of all the drama and weirdness that comes with her when she steps in. Kay is a sloppy, ugly man nerd who has no business being a female, but her big, kind heart for her friends is what makes her endearing. Nefi also doesn't seem to have a lot of negative traits :\ She's quick to judge? That's it? And it doesn't make sense that if she's -such- a rational thinker, all of her common sense goes away the minute she loses her temper. Rational thinkers like Will and Delilah DO NOT lose their level-headed thinking when they get angry. I have a small problem with the 'good singer' part, but since it's a hidden trait, I hope it's not brought out as 'important'. But you have to ask yourself WHY is she such a good singer? Was she raised in a musically inclined family (like most singers)? Does she secretly like music but it may make her look less tough in the eyes of her friends? Also, if Nefi is Jewish, then she DOES have a religion. That doesn't mean she'd BELIEVE in it You could say that while her parents follow the religion, Nefi doesn't and is quite liberal and only likes celebrating the holidays. Her passions also bother me. Telling people what she thinks of them? That's what gets her up in the morning? You have to think a little harder, sweets. A passion is something she STRIVES for, something she ENJOYS doing day in and day out. If she likes singing, then it'd make sense if that was her passion. Also, it's Bullworth Vale, not 'Veil' Adding to that though, what does self-possessed mean? 'Confident' is a less confusing word. I don't necessarily have a problem with the whole parents divorcing thing, but if it's used as an excuse for angsting later on or to excuse her erratic behavior? We'll have a problem X( You have to understand, I'm not attacking your character, but the reason why we have these limitations is because we prefer characters with more substance. Not just characters with high stats, or that's good in singing. Even if they do have such things, they're usually explained in depth. I suggest you look at the other character sheets and see how different attributes are given to the other characters. And read up on these following articles by the admins ; w; Things you should NEVER do in a RoleplayMaking a Believable CharacterEDIT: Do not double post, sweets, there's an edit button ;D
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cheshacatt
Junior Member
Nerds can't die. You can't kill what has no life.
Posts: 491
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Post by cheshacatt on Jul 14, 2011 6:15:39 GMT -5
I agree with Mems. Good foundation, but for one I have to ask why is she called Nefertiti? It's a pretty archaic name, so are her parents Egyptian and were overcome by a burst of patriotism when they named her? Or do they just have a thing for unusual ancient names? If it's just her name because she's so super awesome and pretty, you might want to rethink. Also the no negative traits except quick to judge thing is a bit of a swiz for other characters. She seems like quite an angry character who is happy to put others down, which is fine, but unless she's got some bad traits herself people may grow tired of trying to RP with her. Also the intelligence thing, would she really be that clever in the bullies? Chances are she'd want to skip class to mess about with them or fire spitballs at the nerds when she is in class rather than study hard. Plus, it also gives her an extremely unfair advantage over anyone who gets in a fight, verbal or physical with her. Of course she'd be better off in a fight because she's a bully, but in my opinion, that's pushing it a bit. If she'll be constantly telling people what she thinks of them with no repercussions and getting in fights that the other character has absolutely no chance in, that ain't fun to RP with and will probably get pretty boring to RP as eventually. Challenges are the best fun to RP Also if she's so strong and fit (which I do think you should alter a little because she's not massive) WHY is she like that? Conversely, why may she not be? For example, Roxy is not especially fit and quite weak because she is not a very physical person. Judy is fit but not very strong because she does endurance sports which does not give you muscle for punching. Kay is strong but not fit because while she has a large frame and fights a lot, she is a nerd so she prefers to sit on her arse eating junk and studying/playing games rather than shaping up. I suppose my biggest piece of advice here is to ask WHY. It helps a lot with character development. If you've put something in her profile for the hell of it, ask why it's there. For example, why is Hal one of her least favourite people? Did he pick on her on her first day? Does he remind her of a relative who's a complete arse? (Mainly picked on this one because you mentioned nothing about her disliking any of the greasers previously and she doesn't really have any particular reason other than something personal.) So, yeah. I apologise for being so hard on a new character, but work is needed! She could shape up to be quite a cool character I like the whole ego-centric bully thing, but she needs some drawbacks for that. So keep working on it! I'm sure you can turn her in to a well rounded (but not awesome in every way :>) character that's fun to roleplay as and roleplay with
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cheshacatt
Junior Member
Nerds can't die. You can't kill what has no life.
Posts: 491
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Post by cheshacatt on Jul 14, 2011 10:54:32 GMT -5
Mmmmmmmmkay, I feel like you've got the jist of what myself and Memai have said. Thank you very much for the explanations, I'm glad to see that! (Little bit iffy on how she 'hates fat people', but I'll let that slide so long as it doesn't get malicious or offensive) And I'm happy you've lowered her stats, she's starting to seem more real. However, there are some things I still think you're not quite grasping. I am sorry to go back to this, but the negative traits, where are they? Being socially awkward's never fun, but it's not the worst trait a person could have! Plus, it seems like a bit of a "get-out-of-jail-free" card for the reason she bullies; that she's not actually mean, just misunderstood. In all honesty, a socially awkward person most likely won't bully, they'll keep to themself. People bully people for a multitude of reasons. Sometimes they have low self esteem so bully others to make themselves feel better, but as Nefi has quite an ego on her (which is a fine character trait!) I don't reckon she would. Maybe she loves the sense of power she gets from bullying weaker kids? Maybe she has an ulterior motive, like getting money off kids or getting them to do what she wants? Or maybe she just plain loves making little kids cry because she's like that? You seem to have contradicted yourself in her bio, first saying she's awkward and that's why she bullies and then saying she bullies because she likes the feeling of power. You can't really have both, I'm afraid! There is NOTHING WRONG with your character having an honestly bad character trait! It makes them more human and often more interesting A perfect character who's only mean because they're misunderstood is not very fun. After all, many of the best characters on here have a personality trait which is bad and not really very redeemable. As Ash said in the "Making A Believable Character" thread Mems linked you, you should really be able to say something nasty, insulting and completely true about your character. For example, Roxy is a nervous wreck that can barely hold a conversation with someone she doesn't know yet is quite happy to be nosy and keep an eye on their personal business, and REL is a complete bitch who will do anything she can ruin you, regardless of what you have or haven't done to her. They have not so nice parts of their personality, yet these are two excellent characters! I guess what I'm trying to say is that having a character with something bad about them will not cause us to dislike you or the character. In fact, it will make us like them more because they're more realistic; hell, we all love REL and she's the snob queen from hell! However, what will cause us to raise our eyebrows and 'wut' is when your character has either no bad traits to speak of or a trait that simply lets them not take responsibility for being bad. Also, do you mind if I ask about her weight and height? Because I know she's meant to have muscle, but she really doesn't weight that much for her height. You're basically saying she looks like this www.cockeyed.com/photos/bodies/l/508-130_Reaux_L2.jpg and can beat me in a fight. I am really very sorry to be so negative, but I promise we're only trying to help! And you're getting better
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Post by Memai on Jul 14, 2011 10:55:43 GMT -5
pupycat1, lover, sweetie, sugar, I think you're missing the point of mine and Chesa's post > w>;;;; Chesha's already made a point about the name and whatnot, you're going to have to try harder. While I'm not saying "Change her name", I think it's better if there was a better reason behind naming her. The only other character with a weird name is Chaplin and that's generally because Hawaiians are culturally taught to give unique names to their kids (plus they loved the actor, and he's a really big goof). It doesn't have to be complicated reasons, but a simple one like, "Her parents liked ancient mythologies and thought of their 'Nefertiti', a woman who they thought was strong and independent." Now, another thing is that there isn't a lot about the game that's explained. Sure, there might not be a field hockey team, but who's to say that there isn't tennis, basketball, soccer, volleyball, swimming or even football teams for Nefi to join in? Ask yourself these questions: - Why is she hard working when Bullies are typically lazy? - Why does she have more common sense than them? Isn't common sense already common? - Why did you give her those stats? Also, right now though, she's shaping up to be a Jock, if she wants to get a sports scholarship and whatnot. She isn't like a Bully at all, since Jocks are known for their love of being fit and playing sports all day and they can be just as mean (or even meaner) than the Bullies. And with characters like Casey, Bo and Luis, it doesn't seem uncommon if she, a girl, has more common sense than the boys would. Please also give her more negative traits. Like I said, just because you give them negative traits, doesn't mean we won't play with you :> Socially awkward doesn't sit right with someone who likes to stay fit and insult them and punch them out and what not. Maybe it's easy for her to lose her temper instead? Or if you want to go by the awkward trait still, she probably feels very uncomfortable around girls and feels threatened that there are other prettier girls than her and she feels insecure? She may not care about her appearance, but she is a teenager, after all Like Chesha said, we're not trying to attack you :> And I know making a good character seems really tough. If there are points you don't understand, please ask away. We will not bite >w< ♥
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Post by UnknownTerritory on Jul 14, 2011 11:44:53 GMT -5
Having a perfect character is... boring, to be honest. It may seem fun, but after awhile it's so boring because they'll always be better and there's little they can do. The stats now are fine. Look at other characters for some help, it's what I do.
If she's set on sports, she seems like a Jock. Being a female Jock does not mean she's a cheerleader. She will also get teased for not being "girly". Bullworth is a place of stereotypes, and if you don't fit that stereotype, you will be teased. Mercilessly. That doesn't mean make your character a dumb blonde cheerleader, it means that you have to take those things into consideration.
Let's get more examples, they're always fun! Terrance is a snotty, I'm-better-and-better-looking-than-you little egotistical bitch, and he will let you know it. His good traits are... um.... hrng.... I'm having trouble thinking of any. His bad traits are he's a liar, he loves to watch you suffer, he speaks his mind, and he is all talk, no walk (he'll egg people on then run from the fight-- he's a wimp). Tony is a sevearly burned greaser, he talks in broken English with a thick Italian accent. He is from Italy you know. His good traits is he's a pretty loyal friend, he will help someone in need(even if they are his sworn enemy), and he isn't afraid to stand up for himself. His bad traits are he's sarcastic, stubborn, hotheaded (I'm sorry I laughed at this), and he doesn't take authority very well. See? Those are traits, both good and bad.
Now, I see you have her as being egotistical and being better than everyone else. Yet, she hates the preppies because they are the same way. Is she a hypocrite? Why does she think she deserves to be egotistical, but not the preps? In that manner of speaking, she sounds like a prep (that egotistical trait is a negative trait).
You say she doesn't care what people think of her. That contradicts the reason she's a bully. She's a bully because she wants to make people feel less than her, she wants them to feel like dirt, yes? Is that so she won't be hurt again? If she honestly didn't care, she wouldn't have become a bully in the first place.
Why does she think if she had siblings they would hate her? Sounds like a bit of angst there, which isn't bad, you just need to elaborate. Is it because she thinks she's such a bitch? That would add to the "I don't care what people think of me" trait, it doesn't fit very well. It could happen, but elaborate so people can understand. Contradicting traits can fit in, as long as you explain it well. Tony speaks his mind (to most people), he will tell off adults that piss him off, and he's a pyromaniac, yet he's very very shy. It contradicts his other traits, but explaining it made it fit very well on him.
Always ask yourself WHY. Always ask yourself HOW. You learn it in primary school-- Who, What, When, Where, Why, and How. ALWAYS keep that in mind.
Hahha wow this crit sucks mmkay don't hate me
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Post by UnknownTerritory on Jul 14, 2011 13:51:26 GMT -5
Alright, bit of an improvement. Now, she has a fatphobia. Why? Why does she hate fat people? Elaborate. Now, the one thing that bothers me... 'She thinks the Preps have everything handed to them ((Which they do))". You never say things like that. Ever. Your character can, but on this board, we are open minded. To everything. Nefi can hate the preppies because she thinks they get everything handed to them, but you immediately thinking all preppies have everything handed to them-- not good. Examples: It hints in the game that Parker is going broke. He would be going poor because of his father, he would NOT have everything handed to him. In the game, it is proven by Tad's quotes he is abused by his father. Although he may be given things by his father, he wouldn't be a spoiled little bitch. He's abused and rich, which is a very common assumptions. That, because you're rich, you're not abused or the abuse doesn't affect you because you get "what you want". Please, watch yourself, because that is one thing that really annoyed me. I honestly don't understand why EVEYTHING needs a reason. I see no need for their to be a reason for her name. I mean my mom chose my name because she thought it sounded cool. O.O If I put "because her parents thought it sounded cool." you would say it was wrong. this is a made up character there are no right are wrong answers. I will agree with some points that the criticism was needed but I can't change everything about my character because she doesn't click into your idea of a realistic character. I mean i made her so I could be creative with a made up person and role play with cool people about a game I love. but honestly Not everything about a person can have a reason. I mean I love to draw I have no clue why I like to draw? beats me ? does that make ME wrong? no. so why would a few missing unexplainable answers about my character make her wrong? I mean I had to change that she could sing because I couldn't come up with a reason (Which is realistic)) because I can randomly sing really well and I have no clue why? mean with her it was just a useless secret thing about her that didn't come into play at all during anything. so I change that to sports and not she is a jock? I'm just confused on what you want? She's my character. We aren't changing your character. Elaborate. So, she liked the name. Alright, is that all? Cool. I love to draw because I'm good at it. There's my reasoning, I've always been good at it. We never said she was wrong, she's just... not real, she's just so... plain. Boring. She CAN sing, you don't HAVE to change it. But why? Because she's good at it, right? There's a reasoning. Like I said, Bullworth is of STEREOTYPES. She can't be an amazing sporty player while being a bully. The bullies hate the jocks. Roxy is rich and british-- prep. She isn't on good terms with Derby-- not a prep. So, she's a non-clique. Take those things into consideration.
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Post by UnknownTerritory on Jul 14, 2011 14:11:24 GMT -5
"I need to make Nefi uglier so she is less "perfect" >:/ bs even though she isn't I've ended up making my character's personality everything I hate because "She needs to me modified" Now she is a compulsive liar and people are saying she's a jock. -slaps self- I am giving up with that role play site :/"
*facepalm* Apparently you can't read and my patience is thin-- I'm not helping you anymore. Goodbye, sorry for trying to make your character not crap.
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Post by UnknownTerritory on Jul 14, 2011 14:19:54 GMT -5
If you'd rather talk 'face to face', hope on chat. And promise not to get mad, 'cause no one here is trying to change your character. We're trying to make her believable.
Also we're trying to prevent another Sammy.
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cheshacatt
Junior Member
Nerds can't die. You can't kill what has no life.
Posts: 491
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Post by cheshacatt on Jul 14, 2011 14:32:42 GMT -5
Oooookay, let's calm it down. Believe it or not, we ARE trying to help you. Now, first I was skeptical about the name because using a name that connotes perfection is a big red light for Mary Sues. Now we know your character isn't a Mary Sue, and it's cool, but we need a reason because Nefertiti is, well, a dead name. It's not very well known and I know if a kid with that name went to my old school they'd get bullied to hell, so I thought there'd probably be a reason behind it. I do accept, however, that her parents just thought it sounded cool. Now that's done Now, we did not think she was WRONG for having some parts of her character not explained. It just helps the other roleplayers to know where it came from and may even help you! Character development is a great thing Sometimes reasons you thought were unneeded make up a huge part of your character later on! Also, I know it's different in real life, but in roleplay if a character has an awesome trait which has no explanation behind it it's a little... confusing, really. I do agree and I see why you're annoyed, though. On to the next point! We criticised because, as I said earlier, your character at the beginning would not have been fun to roleplay with. A character that basically awesome all round gets very tiring to play with and you'd probably have been asked to change her later. I know you want to have your super awesome character but this is a roleplay, not a fanfiction. Everybody has to have their fair share of time Otherwise, things get, well, dull. Plus, your character can be super awesome without being good at everything! About the sporty thing. I have no problem with her enjoying sport, but if she did it too openly, the jocks and bullies may get suspicious, because sadly, Bullworth is a cliquey shithole! However, if she did it when she knew nobody was watching because she enjoys sports, I have no problem with that. But just remember, if a bully just waltzed into jock territory, they might have a thing or two to say about it If you feel I'm still being unfair please tell me and I'll be more than happy to explain And please read all I've written! It took me a while ;D
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Post by UnknownTerritory on Jul 14, 2011 14:40:20 GMT -5
Yo Chesha, hit us up on chat.
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Post by violentlittlesister on Jul 14, 2011 15:05:30 GMT -5
OH.
OH.
I saw Nefi on DA o u o
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Post by UnknownTerritory on Jul 14, 2011 15:29:52 GMT -5
That's what I got in chat, then you had to leave.
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cheshacatt
Junior Member
Nerds can't die. You can't kill what has no life.
Posts: 491
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Post by cheshacatt on Jul 14, 2011 18:08:50 GMT -5
And just a heads up, there is no need for rudeness, thank you very much.
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Post by violentlittlesister on Jul 14, 2011 19:54:08 GMT -5
In honesty, you're just making it the editing of her way too long. When I had my first character (Kisa), it took a long while to edit her; But I was enthuastic and I knew I needed help.
But it sort of like you are being defiant and don't want to change her; Let us help you with Nefi.
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