cheshacatt
Junior Member
Nerds can't die. You can't kill what has no life.
Posts: 491
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Post by cheshacatt on Jun 13, 2010 15:35:05 GMT -5
(Who ever crits this one gets to decide if I'm good enough to go back into the RP or keep practicing, so uh. Yeah, can't wait for the crit.) ''Chad, you fucking got this. You know it!'' Sam said, as she sat in the half broken chair starring ((staring - starring is something else)) at the muscular prep, she was the one who broke it. She tried to break it to show off to Bif. It is a random day at her school. ((As well as being in the present tense rather than the past, this sentence doesn't make a lot of sense. Remember to proof read for times you might accidentally get it a bit wrong - everyone makes these mistakes, so make sure to check over your work for them!)) Cutting second class as usual, the 15 year old was bored so thought why not hang out with the gang in the boxing gym, with friends? ((This sentence is quite long, with only a comma at the end and beginning when you could really do with one in the middle. Try breaking long sentences up a little more, e.g. for this one "Cutting second class as usual, the fifteen year old was bored, so thought why not hang out with the gang in the boxing gym, with friends?"))''You know that!'' Chad yells as he hits ((hit)) his boxing gloves together, ready. To ((Too - 'too' is too much of something, or it's 'somebody else's thing too', 'to' is going 'to' somewhere or 'to hold', for example.)) bad he didn't know Sam is ((was)) betting on him. Why would he care anyway? Although he thinks Sammy really believes ((believed)) he's ((he was)) a good fighter. The fight began, Chad and Parker are ((were)) circling each other like hawks about to attack on one last meal before the universe ends. ((Side note - if this is a refernce to Hitchhiker's guide to the galaxy, you win.)) Which one will take it? First shot is Parker, right in Chads mouth. Then Chad uppercuts him in the stomach ((I'd change the wording of this, as in the past tense 'uppercutted' isn't really a word and sounds clumsy, so maybe change the wording or sentence structure? For example, 'Chad game him an uppercut to the stomach')), Parker showing no pain...on the outside tries to punch Chad in the same spot, but missed. The other prep with the green shorts takes the chance and sucker punches him right in the mouth, Parker falls to the ground. ((I'm not sure if you're trying to write this in present or past tense any more, so I'll just assume it's past. Please please make sure to keep it all the same tense!)) ''Me, I Won!'' The British accent prep declares ((declared)), ignoring the whole fact Parker gets ((got)) right back up. Yes! ''Hey I'm still-'' Parker gets cut off, As Chads ((Chad's - the expression belongs to Chad, so it is Chad's expression)) expression changes ((changed)) fastly (('fastly isn't a word - quickly, swiftly are, for example)), a much more calmer ((Here, you'd either say 'much more calm' or 'calmer', they don't really work put together!)) voice comes out. The prep raises ((raised)) his boxing glove in front of Parker's face.''I don't have time Parker, I have a date.'' Chad takes ((took)) his gloves off, getting out of the ropes. He lied though, he didn't. The prep just wanted the ''You won'' factor in his mind. He leaves ((left)), going up to the stairs, not to any date. The prep turns ((turned)) to ((the)) other, sarcastically laughing. ''Aw, don't you just love these fights Gord? Pay up.'' The 15 year old let out her hand.''But-I-My fighter got u-'' ''On no amigo, Chad won not Parker.'' The new prep wasn't going to let this go, it involves money,yeah. ((Not sure why this 'yeah' is there -if you wanted to make it a more conversational tone, which I imagine you were going for, you'd be better off putting 'yeah?'. Also remember spaces in front of any punctuation!))Money. And this is Sam Winchester, she is ((was)) going to get the fucking cash. Parker fell, not Chad. Gord ((had)) better pay up before things get ugly. Sammy's ((Sammy'd, or Sammy had)) been killing the punching bags these last 5 weeks, KILLING. Oh come on...please god let this kid pay me....please! ''Oh,just take it, I have plenty!'' Gord hands ((handed)) the girl the 66 dollars, as he takes ((took))
the magazine from the table and reads it. ''These sales are magnificent!'' The boy says as he continues to gaze into his own little heaven of shoe sales.Sammy gets ((got)) up from the chair, traveling to the other side of the boxing-gym with a skip in her hill, while tapping her leg. Sammy was happy. She has ((had)) money, plus she likes that part of the gym. It had those punching bags. Sam kicks and punches ((kicked and punched)) the hell out of those things. ''Hey Sam.'' The muscular ginger yelled, as he comes behind, grabbing her shoulder. Sam turns around. Oh my fucking god...Bif is....he has no shirt on..''Thank you big man up stairs.'' ''What?'' Bif smiles, not even knowing what she meant. He scratches one of his abs. ''Uh, I..- Bif you have no fucking shirt on, your sweaty..and-'' To tell you the truth, Sam doesn't want him to put a shirt on. This was the first time she actually thought Bif was...hot. ''Oh, sorry want me to put something on? I just finished punching these-'' ''No, please go right ahead. Continue with your...your...shirtless..ness.'' The prep smiles, ((smiled)) secretly wanting to melt to the floor, A guy like Bif...with no shirt on in front of Sammy made her blush, and she hated herself for that alittle. A prep like Sam, blushing? Over a boy!?
This guy was in good shape,and his face. It wasn't so roundish and kiddish anymore, it was shaped, it had bone cheeks and...sideburns. Sam never realized that. ((Cheekbones Also ellipsis - remember, three dots followed by a space!)) Okay, play it cool. This is your friend, you knew him since you were ten fucking years old...nothing changed...don't fucking faint. He just has his shirt off, He's not naked and touching himself...oh god.. ((Remember to capitalise after ellipsis if they're seperating sentences in this way, and make sure to check for capital letters after commas, you don't need them there.)) that was funny. The girl began to smile and chuckle a little bigger and louder ((For this, either break up the sentence with a comma, or change the wording, for example, 'The girl began to smile, which turned to a chuckle, a little bigger and louder)). The thought of Bif naked and touching himself, made her laugh because, well it's Bif, naked and touching himself. It's funny to her. ((It was - past tense!))Her laugh, made Bif laugh. ((No need for the comma there.)) He never knew why. It was just so hysterical and funny. ((Now, for these two sentences, I'd combine them into one by replacing the full stop with a comma, as it flows better and connects the ideas))''What!?'' He asked as he moved her chin up, Sam feels a little nervous from that, so she puts him arm back to his side, continuing to smile again. ((I'd break this sentence up if I were you, making it into two sentences - e.g. 'He asked as he moved her chin up. Sam felt a little nervous from that...' Also remember tenses! Why am I so nervous! This is Bif...your best fucking friend..seriously, Sam go back to yourself. ((Try to complete ellipsis and use a space after them before other sentences, like so... Makes it easier on the eyes, ya know?))
''Uh, thinking about a movie...you wanna get somethin to eat..or..ya know.'' ((Okay, this might just me being anal, but I'd say put an apostrophe at the end of a word like somethin'. E.g. nothin', goin', drinkin'. That's just me though ))''Sure, but first, let me put something else on and shower up. I smell like I've been touching myself all day.'' ((Okay, I understand the plot you were going for, but would a prep really say something like this, even to a close friend? I'm not so familiar with the preps, so I never know, he might, but even so - just keep characterisation in mind.)) NO, NO, NO. HE DID NOT JUST SAT THAT, TOUCHING HIMSELF....HOW THE FUCK IS THAT A SMELL! I WILL NOT LAUGH, I WILL NOT- ((Nice touch with the internal monologue. I really like them, and they work well often.))''HAHAH!'' Sammy falls to the ground laughing loud as she could be, the kiddish girl couldn't even breath how funny this is to her. ((Got a couple of things to nitpick here - either keep it all present tense or all past tense, and as this one shot seems to be past tense, use the latter. You could have something like "Falling to the ground laughing, the kiddish girl couldn't even breathe" to mix up sentence structure, just make sure to keep it in the same tense. Also remember to proofread - you seem to be missing some punctuation as it doesn't make a lot of sense))(Jeez, to long, but how is it. Just used some skillz from the great M e m a i and *British accent* Professorpinapple! And let mah know if It's good,need more practicing, you know what I'm talking about. = ) Righty ho, I have to say my biggest nitpick here was tenses. Either keep it past or present, switching between the two does not work! There's many bits where you switched to present tense that I didn't change just because there were quite a few. Also general niggles like punctuation and capitalisation, but overall it looks like you're getting better. Plus, I really like the internal monologues and the way we get to see what she thinks of and feels in certain situations. However, I'm afraid I can't tell you whether or not you can go back into the RP, as I'm not an admin so I can't make that decision. What I will say, though, is don't stop practicing
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zimie
Junior Member
Hoo Hoo
Posts: 225
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Post by zimie on Jun 15, 2010 15:20:13 GMT -5
(Ok..... here I go......... ) It was 6:45am and it was still dark out. The sun hasn’t rose and this bothered Chloe. She doesn’t like darkness, especially in a car, since she gets easily car sick. However, she took a massive dosage of nausea medicine before leaving on the trip to her new school. She looks over to the front of the car, where her mother is at. She remembers the conversation she had with her moher a few days before about this new school she will be going to.“Why am I going all of a sudden?! I’ve been home school my entire life and you finally decide to ditch me somewhere!” “WATCH YOUR MOUTH! Your mainly going because your father and I are going to Europe for a business opportunity, and we can’t bring you along.” “But-” “Not a word anymore, now go pack your good clothes. We’ll have the maid help you in a bit, after she gets done cleaning the dining room.” Chloe stares at her feet, as she starts to think“Why am I going to this place? I’m not a bad kid… am I? I don’t care if father has friend who have kids who go there. I just don’t!”Chloe looks up at her mother, seeing a faint smile on her face.“Mother?” “Yes, Chloe” “What is this school called again? I don’t think you told me the first time” “It’s called Bullworth Academy. You should know the name by now. Your father and your brother both went there as children.” “Then why didn’t I go as a child?” “You’re too frail, honey. We tried that once before, in New York.” “It wasn’t that bad, mother” “You were crying and bleeding everywhere! If that wasn’t bad, then I don’t know what is.” “Mom, I only fell” “AFTER SOME POOR-ILLRATED KID PUSHED YOU” “Mother, that isn’t very nice.” “ Well. It’s true” Chloe was born into a wealthy family. Her father ran for congress along time ago, became a writer, and now decided to go over sea to go back into politics. Why, well she doesn’t know. Her mother, on the other hand, was a retired stage actress. But once she met her father and had her two eldest twin sisters, her mother lost her figure and they kicked her mother out of the business. Now she a stay-at-home-mom who gets to enjoy her father’s wealth. Chloe realize at an early age that her parents were, well, snobs. Anyone who was less unfortunate, they ignored, but anyone who was higher then they were, they were butt kissers.“Will there be anyone at the school that I might know?” Chloe’s mother thought for a moment.“Well, you might know the Vendome’s child. He has came over to a few of our house warming party, a few summers back. I think his name is Gord” “Wasn’t he the one that insulted my clothes for not being Rockerfella-” “It’s called Aquaberry. They’re very big successful clothing company around Bullworth. Only the highest of classes shop there” “Well, he still made fun of me about it! I mean… should he more worried about guys things then fashion, mother?” “The last I heard he was in boxing” “That’s not very helpful, mother” Chloe looked out the window, and saw the sun finally coming up. To her, it was most beautiful thing she saw. They were just a few blocks away for Bullworth Academy, and she already knew, from the time she entered the car, that there was no turning back.“Your going to love it here, Chloe. I know you will” Chloe looked at her mother, then back at the window, staring at the sun rise.“Yeah…… I hope you are right about that” (there.... I finally did it. If there are things that are wrong, then please, by all means, tell me. I know it doesnt have any real interaction with canon characters.. but something I've been thinking for a while.)
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Post by DJKID on Jun 16, 2010 14:38:14 GMT -5
It was 6:45am and it was still dark out. The sun hasn’t roserisen and this bothered Chloe. She doesn’t like darkness,(() especially in a car, since she gets easily car sick. However, she took a massive dosage of nausea medicine before leaving on the trip to her new school. She looks over to the front of the car, where her mother is at. She remembers the conversation she had with her moher((mother)) a few days before about this new school she will be going to.((Redundant, we already know she's going to the new school, she's in the car and on the way)) [/b] “Why am I going all of a sudden?! I’ve been home school ((schooled)) my entire life and you finally (('finally' suggests that this decision has been in the making for a long time. Did Chloe once believe she was going to be sent away?)) decide to ditch me somewhere!” ((Is she asking or accusing? It seems to me like this should be a question))“WATCH YOUR MOUTH! Your ((you're)) mainly going because your father and I are going to Europe for a business opportunity, and we can’t bring you along.” “But-” “Not a word anymore, ((The word choice here is odd... 'Not another word' would do just as well)) now go pack your good clothes. ((This should be a new sentence)) We’ll have the maid help you in a bit, after she gets done cleaning the dining room.” Chloe stares at her feet, as she starts to think“Why am I going to this place? I’m not a bad kid… am I? I don’t care if father has friend who have((has)) kids who go there. I just don’t!” ((I like this!))Chloe looks up at her mother, seeing a faint smile on her face.“Mother?” “Yes, Chloe ?" “What is this school called again? I don’t think you told me the first time .” “It’s called Bullworth Academy. You should know the name by now. Your father and your brother both went there as children.” “Then why didn’t I go as a child?” “You’re too frail, honey. We tried that once before, in New York.” “It wasn’t that bad, mother .” “You were crying and bleeding everywhere! If that wasn’t bad, then I don’t know what is.” “Mom, I only fell .” “AFTER SOME POOR-ILLRATED((That's not a word... Did you mean illiterate?))[/b] KID PUSHED YOU !” “Mother, that isn’t very nice.” “ Well. It’s true” ((When you do not use elaboration during conversations, it suggests quick bouts back and forth. Chloe and her mother are not interrupting each other, so try to detail what's going on with their posture and body language. Ex: Chloe though her mother was exaggerating, so she crosses her arms, rolls her eyes, etc.. ))Chloe was born into a wealthy family. Her father ran for congress((Congress)) along((a long)) time ago, became a writer, and now decided to go over sea to go((get)) back into politics. Why, well she doesn’t know. Her mother, on the other hand, was a retired stage actress. But Once she met her father and had herChloe's two eldest twin sisters, her mother lost her figure and they kicked her mother out of the business. Now she was a stay-at-home-mom who gets to enjoy her father’s wealth. Chloe realize((realized)) at an early age that her parents were, well, snobs. Anyone who was less unfortunate, they ignored, but((replace with ; )) anyone who was higher then they were, they were butt kissers.“Will there be anyone at the school that I might know?” Chloe’s mother thought for a moment.“Well, you might know the Vendome’s child. He has came over to a few of our house warming partyparties, a few summers back. I think his name is Gord .” “Wasn’t he the one that insulted my clothes for not being Rockerfella-” “It’s called Aquaberry. " Her mother snapped, "They’re very big successful clothing company around Bullworth. Only the highest of classes shop there” “Well, he still made fun of me about it! I mean… should n't he be more worried about guys things then fashion, mother?” “The last I heard he was in boxing .” “That’s not very helpful, mother .” ((body language here))Chloe looked out the window, and saw the sun finally coming up. To her, it was most beautiful thing she saw her ever seen. They were just a few blocks away forfrom Bullworth Academy, and she already knew, from the time she entered the car, that there was no turning back.“Your ((you're)) going to love it here, Chloe. I know you will” Chloe looked at her mother, then back at the window, staring at the sun rise.“Yeah…… I hope you are right about that .”[/quote] Overall, I really enjoy the content. While roleplay is normally written in the past tense, I find it very interesting that you chose to use present perfect, and encourage you to continue. Your writing is pleasant to read, with a few grammar errors and odd word placement. Remember that quotes need punctuation, you're means you are, and try to keep your verbs in the past tense. Ex: Chloe does not understand why Will kicked the puppy. All she knows is that he was very mean for doing so.
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Sammy Winchester
Junior Member
My icon is suppose to be Sammy..mhmmm hahahha! *runs away*
Posts: 244
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Post by Sammy Winchester on Jun 16, 2010 18:46:41 GMT -5
(Seems like the RP critiques thread isn't really doing it, nobody really went in, just awesome Chelsea which I say thank you. So here is my story I wrote using the things I learned, and hopefully it will be good enough to get back to the RP.)
It was a remembering day in Bullworth Vale. Sam might be called, Mean, or hateful, UN-caring. But, she wasn't at all. Sam was like the tin man. She had a heart all along. That day was a memorable afternoon for her and Derby. Fighting like always. But this time....it got to far.
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''Bif how dare you hang out with this mentally disturbed, manipulator?'' The blond prep said as pointed to the rebel.
What? I never once manipulated you moron....and who said I was mentally disturbed...I'm not...mentally disturbed.
''Hey Stewart! I never did anything like that to you, you should be named mentally disturber you prick!'' Sam wasn't gonna let this fag win. She hates this mother fucker's guts. And for him to call her a manipulator was to far.
''Derby, you don't understand. Were friends. We go to the mall, we-''
Derby raised his pointer finger in the air, cutting the red haired prep off, he paused for a second.
''What did you just say?''
''We go to the mall, get something to eat sometimes, we hang out. Were just friends Derby, friends.'' Bif's expression was very dry when he said it. He looked Derby in the eye, everywhere the blond prep would go...Bif had his eye's on him. Making sure he didn't do anything he would regret. No, of course Bif won't even think about hurting Derby for no reason. But if Derby did something...Wasn't that a free shot for the muscular ginger?
Derby walked to Sammy, who was in front of Bif, staring at him. Derby went in front of her. Blocking Bif from seeing anything. The boy smiled at the rebel, as a whispering tone came out.
''You'll never amount to anything, Winchester. Your just a cockroach on my floor, I'd like to crush.''
Sam's smile went blank, just a thin line on her face. Her fingers went through her hair, she was so angry and tired at the moment she felt like if anyone would do one thing to annoy her, she knocked them out. Then sleep on their back. Derby went to far now, just because the girl hangs out with Bif, he calls her a bug he would like to squish.
Okay you fuck, you wanna call me a cockroach huh, you'll get yours...I swear to god you'll get yours. The grumpy girl thought to her self.
There was a long silence in the room after he said that. Bif sat in the chair, just seeing the back of the other preps body, and half of Sam's face. She was looking Derby dead in the eye, no expression. She was like a doll, hands to her sides, her body was stiff. Why is Sammy Winchester doing this? Isn't she suppose to be the rebel, why can't she punch Derby in the mouth? Because, This is Sam Winchester, she is just a manipulating, mentally disturbed girl. At least to Derby. She was planning the perfect thing for him. He didn't realize she got the key out of his back pockets when he was talking to Bif, yeah, she had to reach into his ass pockets. But she has the fucking key to his gate! Sammy remembered the magic trick perfectly she learned from one of her dorky cousins on her mom's side, and now she can do the most perfect pranks. But the thoughts of perfect planning,
it went away. She walked out, saying nothing either to one of the boys. Bif just sat in his chair, waiting for Derby's talk he was going to give him. (Sounds sexy) Samantha, went outside, out the gate to get her bike. But Derby followed her.
''Hey you!''
''Auug, what!?'' She dropped her orange bike on the floor, and turned around. Sometimes Derby was such a moron, selfish, and a fucking asshole all around, this is getting fucking old. Sam hates getting talked down to by a guy like Derby.. Oh, now what the fuck you want?
''You can't just leave, and expect everything to be fine, you need to listen to what I'm about to say.'' He walked all the way to her.
''Derby, leave me the fuck alone you homo.'' She grabbed her bike, putting her self on. Riding across to the other side walk. Derby did the same. Sammy looked behind her, everything was slow-motion. She could see Derby's hair swaying in the wind, the car coming toward him from behind. She was only 12 feet away from him. Oh fuck, Derby!
''DERBY WATCH OUT!'' The girl got off her bike, dashing toward the blond muscular prep, as they hit the ground rolling to the other side. Hitting the car by nearly a feet.
''What in the wo-'' Derby just lied there, hands on his face, Sam on top of him.
''Oh no fuck wad! I just saved your fucking life!'' ...Why I do this again? I hate this fuck.
''But-''
''Look before you cross the road cockroach boy!'' It took Sam a good minute in a half to realize the position in. It looked like Sam was giving Derby the whole cow girl action in sex. Which kind of disgusted her. I mean, sex...Derby...cow girl. What the fuck. She got off him, putting her hand out to him, as he tugged on Sam's hand, she pulled him up, they started to walk back to the house, But Sam went quickly back to grab her bike, returning back to the other prep.
''Fucking dick, he almost ran over you. And yet he still drives away. Remember, fat guy, Hawaiian shirt, fat guy.'' Sam walked with a limb, frustrated,arms crossed, she lusted for a apology from this big bastard...okay maybe not an apology...just something that kind of says ''thank you.'' At least to her.
''You said that already.''
''And Derby, by the way. I might hate your guts...But I can't let you die over it. I don't hate you that badly..No...I hate you that badly, but I couldn't see you get run over. You probably tell everyone I ran over you...'' Her fingers went through her hair again, she only did that when she was tired, or confused. ''So who's the person who's never going to amount to anything?'' She folded her arms, as a smirk began.
Fuck, I was going to get a fuck load of cockroaches and put it in his bed, but I saved his life...
''Sammy, I didn't mean it. I just-''
''Looks like the dick ain't got anything to say.'' There were bruises all over his face, well not really bruises, but some scratches. And one of them was on his cheek, for some odd reason it looked like a S. What in the world?
''Sammy-I have to change. You ruin my clothes, and you need to stay. Were going to sue that guy.'' Derby held his arm, his sleeve on his shirt had a rip on it too.
Maybe Sam is a good kid, rough around the edges, but...soft in the inside.
When the hell does this yard end, where the fuck is the door?
Sam paused, and turned to the other prep.
''Hey, big guy. We can't. While you were doing the hollaback girl dance, he was behind you.'' She poked him.'' Even if it is the old farts fault, you probably don't know what he looks like, and I even told you.''
''Hawaii shirt, fat.''
''Okay, theres alot fat, Hawaiian shirt...okay you got me. But can we go back to hating each other again? It's kind of retarded being friends, since well. I hate your guts.'' Sam and Derby, best friends. No, thats not going to happen...ever.
''Silence rebel, I heard you the first 40 times.''
''Yeah...It's good to be the rebel...Sometimes I have to save people's lifes...but thats just the way it goes you know?'' Sam joked. She didn't feel like a hero though, she just...pushed him out of the way. And, she finally got her thank you....kind of, atleast in a Derby way. They finally made it to the entrance of the door, that seemed so far. But only was about a one minute walk from the gate to there.
Derby open the door, directing Sam to go in.
''Are you going to attend inside of stay out here the hold time?''
''Bitch, please.'' She chuckled, as Derby did to. (Derby would never actually laugh at that, but this is just practice.)
Yeah..keep on laughing....you won't be laughing when there 100 cockroaches in your bed...I had to fucking save your life like that retarded vampire that sparkles...Mother fucker didn't even really say thank you.
(Questions, I know. It's lame. Where's Bif. I don't know, and sorry I felt like I psychic'd everything, please tell me if I did. And my mistakes, but you were already gonna do that because your going to crit. ha ha. Hope it's good enough.)
ALTERNATE ENDING.
''Shut up rebel.'' Derby said as he open the door, letting Sammy in. Her jaw dropped, Derby's pen15 went up.
There was Bif, wearing a leather thong, hold a whip, and wearing a leather hat. (Not Roxy's...or is it?) HOLY FUCK. They both walked in.
''So...have you guys ever heard of threesomes and the cowgirl style?'' Sam put a hand on her hip, and a smile on her face.
''Well, no.'' Bif said, as he came closer, sounds of leather flying all over the place.
''Let me show you.''
(THE END...The alternate ending never happened in this little story, I just thought it was funny to think of Bif as a stripper and Sammy having sex with her cousin and friend...what a ho.)
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Post by Memai on Jun 17, 2010 8:19:46 GMT -5
(( Crit in progress :> ))
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Post by Memai on Jun 17, 2010 10:45:10 GMT -5
RIGHT! So I haven't been active lately on the boards Apologies! Anyway... *elbowgreaseelbowgrease* It was a remembering day in Bullworth Vale. (( What IS a 'remembering day'? Did you mean "a day to remember" instead? Like I said before, run your posts through Word and read them aloud as you type, you can catch mistakes much easier this way))[/u] Sam might be called mean (( you don't need to capitalize after a comma ))[/u], or hateful, or UN-caring uncaring. But she wasn't at all. Sam was like the tin man ; she had a heart all along. That day was a memorable afternoon for her and Derby. Fighting like always. But this time....it got to far. (( For these sentences, you don't need to separate them, it flows better as one sentence :> ))[/u] ----------------------------------- ''Bif how dare you hang out with this mentally disturbed, ((watch where you put your commas!))[/u] manipulator?'' The blond prep said as pointed to the rebel. What? I've never once manipulated you moron... and who said I was mentally disturbed...I'm not...mentally disturbed. ((too... much... ellipsis! An ellipsis is a pause in a speech that slowly degenerates into silence and is often used when describing melancholic/sad feelings))[/u] ''Hey Stewart! I never did anything like that to you, you should be named mentally disturbe d ,you prick!'' Sam wasn't gonna let this fag win. She hates this mother fucker's guts. And for him to call her a manipulator was to o far. ((Hey girlie :< You ought to watch your language! I know that Sam is supposed to be rough and all, but Kay is more of a hard-ass than Sam and HARDLY uses any cusses in her narration! If Sam cusses like a drunk sailor, that's FINE, but keep that sort of language IN HER SPEECH and THOUGHTS. Elaboration at the end of the post ;>))[/u] ''Derby, you don't understand. We 're friends. We go to the mall, we-'' (( Remember: Were is 'was' in past tense. We're, with an apostrophe ['] is the shortened version of "we are" ))[/u] Derby raised his pointer finger in the air, cutting the red haired prep off, he paused for a second.''What did you just say?'' ''We go to the mall, get something to eat sometimes, we hang out. Were just friends Derby, friends.'' Bif's expression was very dry when he said it. He looked Derby in the eye, everywhere the blond prep would go , ((have I ever told you how much I dislike ellipsis? Commas are a break in the sentence; ellipsis on the other hand is to end a speech trailing into silence, or an abrupt pause in thought/speech.))[/u] Bif had his eyes on him. Making sure he didn't do anything he would regret. No, of course Bif won't even think about hurting Derby for no reason. But if Derby did something , wasn't that a free shot for the muscular ginger? Derby walked to Sammy, who was in front of Bif, staring at him. Derby went in front of her. Blocking Bif from seeing anything. The boy smiled at the rebel, as a whispering tone came out. (( Review your posts please :< Where was Bif? Why is it when Derby stood in front of Bif, he blocked Bif's vision? Isn't Bif much bigger than him? Explain the scenario next time! :<))[/u] ''You'll never amount to anything, Winchester. You 're just a cockroach on my floor, I'd like to crush.'' (( Tsk tsk tsk: "Your" refers to something that belongs to another. Ex: YOUR book is on the table. Your car is being stolen! YOU'RE, with the apostrophe ['] is a shortened version of "you are". ))[/u] Sam's smile went blank, just a thin line on her face (( Ooh! I like this line! You should use more descriptive sentences like this next time :>))[/u]. Her fingers went through her hair, she was so angry and tired at the moment she felt like if anyone would do one thing to annoy her, she would knock ed them out. Then sleep ((sleep??))[/u] on their back. Derby went to o far now, just because the girl hangs out with Bif, he calls her a bug he would like to squish. (( Derby's such a bitch, isn't he? Glad you're understanding more and more about characterization! ))[/u] Okay you fuck, you wanna call me a cockroach huh? you'll get yours...I swear to god you'll get your's. The grumpy girl thought to herself. (( Remember, if the sentence sounds like a question, or a challenge, use a question mark :> EX: You wanna go punk? You wanna fight? ))[/u] There was a long silence in the room after he said that ((Again, I like this, it shows the intensity of his words, and possibly the consequences behind it))[/u]. Bif sat in the chair, just seeing the back of the other prep 's body, and half of Sam's face. She was looking Derby dead in the eye, no expression. She was like a doll, hands to her sides, her body was stiff. Why is Sammy Winchester doing this? Isn't she suppose to be the rebel, why can't she punch Derby in the mouth? Because, This is Sam Winchester, she is just a manipulating, mentally disturbed girl. At least to Derby. She was planning the perfect thing for him. He didn't realize she got the key out of his back pockets when he was talking to Bif, yeah, she had to reach into his ass pockets. But she has the fucking key to his gate! Sammy remembered the magic trick perfectly she learned from one of her dorky cousins on her mom's side, and now she can do the most perfect pranks. (( I wrote a whole paragraph on characterization and shit, so here's the tl;dr version: I like Sam as an angry, disgruntled ex-prep who wouldn't mind giving Derby a little bit of Hell. I don't like her as an angry, disgruntled ex-prep, who wouldn't mind giving Derby a bit of Hell AND remembered a trick perfectly from some cousin on her mother's side maybe twice removed and can magically perform perfectly executed pranks :\ ))[/u] But the thoughts of perfect planning, it went away. She walked out, saying nothing either to one of the boys. (( Why did she do this? Was she exhausted at putting up with all this that she decided 'fuck it' or? )) Bif just sat in his chair, waiting for Derby's talk he was going to give him. (Sounds sexy) Samantha, went outside, out the gate to get her bike. But Derby followed her. (( Redundancy~! We already know she's heading outside to get her bike. You don't have to repeat yourself, muffincakes ))[/u] ''Hey you!'' ''Auug, what!?'' She dropped her orange bike on the floor, and turned around. Sometimes Derby was such a moron, selfish, and a fucking asshole all around, this is getting fucking old. Sam hates getting talked down to by a guy like Derby. Oh, now what the fuck you want? ''You can't just leave and expect everything to be fine, you need to listen to what I'm about to say.'' He walked all the way to her. ''Derby, leave me the fuck alone you homo.'' She grabbed her bike, putting her self on. Riding across to the other side walk. Derby did the same. Sammy looked behind her, everything was slow-motion. She could see Derby's hair swaying in the wind, the car coming toward him from behind. She was only 12 feet away from him. Oh fuck, Derby! ''DERBY WATCH OUT!'' The girl got off her bike, dashing toward the blond muscular prep, as they hit the ground rolling to the other side. Hitting the car by nearly a feet.''What in the wo-'' Derby just lied there, hands on his face, Sam on top of him. ''Oh no fuck wad! I just saved your fucking life!'' ...Why I do this again? I hate this fuck. ''But-'' ''Look before you cross the road cockroach boy!'' It took Sam a good minute in a half to realize the position they were in ; a risque and compromising position, a thought that disgusted Sammy entirely. It looked like Sam was giving Derby the whole cow girl action in sex. Which kind of disgusted her. I mean, sex...Derby...cow girl. (( I cringed when I read this sentence. It was just so... crass. Not tryin' to a be prude, but... when you write so nice and properly and throw in words like "homo", "sex" and "fuck"... I want to stop reading altogether :< ))[/u] What the fuck. She got off him, putting her hand out to him, as he tugged on Sam's hand, she pulled him up, they started to walk back to the house, But Sam went quickly back to grab her bike, returning back to the other prep. ''Fucking dick, he almost ran over you. And yet he still drives away. Remember, fat guy, Hawaiian shirt, fat guy.'' Sam walked with a limb, frustrated,arms crossed, she lusted for a apology from this big bastard...okay maybe not an apology...just something that kind of says ''thank you.'' At least to her. ''You said that already.'' ''And Derby, by the way. I might hate your guts...But I can't let you die over it. I don't hate you that badly..No...I hate you that badly, but I couldn't see you get run over. You probably tell everyone I ran over you...'' Her fingers went through her hair again, she only did that when she was tired, or confused. ''So who's the person who's never going to amount to anything?'' She folded her arms, as a smirk began. Fuck, I was going to get a fuck load of cockroaches and put it in his bed, but I saved his life...''Sammy, I didn't mean it. I just-'' ''Looks like the dick ain't got anything to say.'' There were bruises all over his face, well not really bruises, but some scratches. And one of them was on his cheek, for some odd reason it looked like a S. What in the world? ''Sammy-I have to change. You ruin my clothes, and you need to stay. Were going to sue that guy.'' Derby held his arm, his sleeve on his shirt had a rip on it too. Maybe Sam is a good kid, rough around the edges, but...soft in the inside. When the hell does this yard end, where the fuck is the door?Sam paused, and turned to the other prep.''Hey, big guy. We can't. While you were doing the hollaback girl dance, he was behind you.'' She poked him.'' Even if it is the old farts fault, you probably don't know what he looks like, and I even told you.'' ''Hawaii shirt, fat.'' ''Okay, theres alot fat, Hawaiian shirt...okay you got me. But can we go back to hating each other again? It's kind of retarded being friends, since well. I hate your guts.'' Sam and Derby, best friends. No, thats not going to happen...ever. ''Silence rebel, I heard you the first 40 times.'' ''Yeah...It's good to be the rebel...Sometimes I have to save people's lifes...but thats just the way it goes you know?'' Sam joked. She didn't feel like a hero though, she just...pushed him out of the way. And, she finally got her thank you....kind of, atleast in a Derby way. They finally made it to the entrance of the door, that seemed so far. But only was about a one minute walk from the gate to there. Derby open the door, directing Sam to go in.''Are you going to attend inside of stay out here the hold time?'' ''Bitch, please.'' She chuckled, as Derby did to. (Derby would never actually laugh at that, but this is just practice.) Yeah..keep on laughing....you won't be laughing when there 100 cockroaches in your bed...I had to fucking save your life like that retarded vampire that sparkles...Mother fucker didn't even really say thank you.(Questions, I know. It's lame. Where's Bif. I don't know, and sorry I felt like I psychic'd everything, please tell me if I did. And my mistakes, but you were already gonna do that because your going to crit. ha ha. Hope it's good enough.) ALTERNATE ENDING. ''Shut up rebel.'' Derby said as he open the door, letting Sammy in. Her jaw dropped, Derby's pen15 went up. There was Bif, wearing a leather thong, hold a whip, and wearing a leather hat. (Not Roxy's...or is it?) HOLY FUCK.They both walked in. ''So...have you guys ever heard of threesomes and the cowgirl style?'' Sam put a hand on her hip, and a smile on her face. ''Well, no.'' Bif said, as he came closer, sounds of leather flying all over the place. ''Let me show you.'' (THE END...The alternate ending never happened in this little story, I just thought it was funny to think of Bif as a stripper and Sammy having sex with her cousin and friend...what a ho.) [/quote] The decision to let you back into the RP isn't based on ONE admin's decision, all of us on the moderating and admin team discuss it :> This way, it's only fair >w< Also, while you are getting better, it seems to me you're ignoring some of the advice the other members of the board have been giving you, LIKE REVIEWING YOUR POSTS AND SUCH D: I know, you're really excited, you wanna throw that post in AS SOON AS YOU CAN OH MY GOD, but slow your roll. The other players are willing to wait for a post, they aren't going to haunt the forums until you post, they can always do something else in the mean time while you perfect your post. That's the fun of roleplaying :> Now, some things I noticed you REALLY need to keep in mind; - GRAMMAR! Okay, it's actually pretty good at this point BUT you seem to forget some pretty simple rules: - A COMMA (,) is used as a break in a long sentence. You seem to pepper these a bit too liberally in your dialogue, and that completely ruins the flow of it :<
- A comma is a short break in a sentence, designed to give the reader a small breather when reading a wordy sentence, OR used to separate different ideas in the same sentence.
- Example! Kay is mean, Roxy is kind, REL's kind of a bitch, Dee's a troublemaker, Stevie needs guidance, Terrance bought his shoes on sale!
See? It's talking about different ideas (on the different OCs' characteristics) but it's all in one sentence too! Handy! Also, notice, you pause when you come to a comma but quickly pick up the pace when you move over to the next word.
- I...really...hate...ellipsis...in...dialogue... Well, no, it can be great for dramatic or melancholic effects though! Ellipsis DRAG a speech on and is used when a character is trailing of into silence or when there's a sudden/abrupt pause.
- Example: "I thought you were my friend..." Roxy said dejectedly at REL (this shows sadness)
- Example 2: "Now where'd I put that thing...?" Bif said to himself. (he's trailing off, but see how I put a question mark? He's asking himself aloud).
- Example 3: "I can't be bothered right now... I'm just... tired." Kay had too rough a day today. (this show's Kay is tired, she doesn't want to talk and she'd much rather stay quiet).
- Ellipsis are great for emphasis on certain things, but when you use it too much you... start... to... sound... like... a... zom...bie...unnnngggghhhh...
- TO isn't the same as TOO. TOO refers to an excessive amount. 'Excessive' = A LOT. Ex: Roxy was always too kind. (Roxy's kindness is considered excessive; nobody in the real world is as kind as she is). TO refers going TO somewhere. Ex: Kay was going to kick some Jock ass. (Kay is ON HER WAY to kicking some Jock ass). homeworktips.about.com/od/improvingyourgrammar/qt/toandtoo.htm^ Bam! Helpful eHow link. Read it, don't skim through it :> - On the subject of cuss words: - If anybody knows me IRL, they'd know I have a pretty dirty mouth. I throw 'fuck' 'sex' and 'bitch' around A LOT. And I mean, cuss words are great when you need to let off some steam or describe something SOFUCKIN'FANTASTICO! But like any responsible cuss-er, I put a lid on it where appropriate; not in front of parents or other persons of authority (ie lecturers, ambassadors, Mr. President Sir).
- ...SO KEEP THAT RULE WHEN WRITING! I know Sammy is supposed to be 'tough', I know she cusses like it's nobody's business, because she thinks it's not! But it IS disruptive when reading. You can throw them in the narratives if you REALLY have to, but do you really, absolutely have to? Are there any other words in the vocabulary that you can't use?
- "It was a crisp spring day, Dee was enjoying the cool weather as she strolled along the beach. It was such a lovely day; the sun was shining, the sky was a pure blue, the waves were rolling in gently. But what ruined it was some asshole's loud music about bitches and hoes and sex, couldn't the fucker turn that shit down?" See what I did there? I totally ruined your reading pattern when I could've written:
""It was a crisp spring day, Dee was enjoying the cool weather as she strolled along the beach. It was such a lovely day; the sun was shining, the sky was a pure blue, the waves were rolling in gently. But what ruined it was some townie's deliriously poseur rap music. When was rap all about hookers and drugs, anyway?" See how much more easier this is?
- I really, really don't want to be a prude, but for the love of God, please consider when you need to put a cuss word in the narrative. Speeches and thoughts, FINE, but keep those words out of the narration :<
- Characterization; can Sammy not be a magical hax0r prankster in just ONE post? As much as this is a roleplay on a video game, please think realistically? There hasn't been any other post saying that she would be inclined to be a prankster or to be a competent thief, but all of a sudden here, BAM, "Oh, I magically can pickpocket Derby's keys from his back pocket, and I remember this one trick my cousin on my mom's side did so I can unlock locks and stuff!" May not be what you intended, but that's what it sounded like to me. - Read your posts ALOUD before actually posting them? You can catch mistakes easily this way. I'm not asking you to recite your post in front of an audience, but quietly mumbling it to yourself as you're writing should suffice. When you read this way, you catch your mistakes when you pause or don't completely understand what you've written. So if you type out a weird sentence, and you read it aloud and it sounds funny, you have all the right to change it until it sounds natural to you. - Finally, all the crits we've been giving you? Please consider them, cause I've noticed, when we crit you and suggest fixes such as grammar, you... seem to ignore them D: You've been called out on the 'your/you're' mistake a lot, yet you seem to keep making it in all your posts.
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Doomy
New Member
I WAS FROZEN TODAY
Posts: 22
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Post by Doomy on Jun 28, 2010 19:54:21 GMT -5
Juuuust brushing up on my writing/RPing skills. They still suck. D':.
Yeah, this is a really weird little one-shot I did... at least, I HOPE it goes here. I'm still a little confused of the workings of the site.
Critques accepted gratefully.
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The humid, summer air flowed over Bullworth in a tsunami-like breeze. The children on the campus gasped for air as the humid winds swept over them. Only few were wandering outside in the blazing heat, while most were basking in the cool air-conditioning of their dormitories.
As for the girls, they weren't so lucky. The air-conditioning in the clean, prim dorm was broken and in need of repair.
"This sucks," declared Anne, lying on her bed with only a tank-top and shorts on. "It's hot as balls. The boys don't have to endure this shit."
Beatrice was on the bed next to her. She was reading a teen-hip magazine.
"Well, we'll just have to live with it, I guess."
Anne, sweating furiously, groaned loudly. She buried her face into her pillow. Beatrice sighed and went back to her reading. Anne panted, the heat attacking her body as if it just declared war.
“What’s going on in here, losers?” Said a familiar, snobby voice from the hallway. Anne picked up her head, soaking with sweat.
“Get out of here, Mandy,” Beatrice cried. Her voice cracked.
“Who asked you, spotty?” Mandy sneered. Anne, turned around and looked stared at her, she wasn’t dripping a bead of sweat. “What are you looking at, scarface?”
“How the hell are you not sweating, you little whore?” Anne asked, panting.
“Ew, sweat is disgusting! I don’t know why I’m not sweating, creep. Besides, sweating is disgusting. It’s what pigs do.”
“Oh, I see. So, you aren’t human?” Anne raised her eyebrow.
“Excuse me?” Mandy groaned, curious herself.
“Well, all humans sweat. It’s biological. Sweat is released from your pores in order to cool off-” Beatrice started, but was interrupted by Mandy.
“So, what are you suggesting? That I’m sort of alien?”
“You never know ‘till we find out,” Anne smirked. She hopped off the bed and slinked her way toward the stuck-up jock.
“W-what are you doing, freak?!” She cried. Anne, face-to-face with the jock, latched onto her breasts.
“These aren’t boobs, they’re jelly-filled egg sacks, aren’t they?” Mandy smacked her. Anne frowned. Her eyebrows furrowed angrily.
“Don’t you ever touch me like that, you creep!”
“Oh, it is on,” Anne snarled, curling her hands into fists slowly. She was exhausted from the devilish heat. Mandy began to tear up, her eyes started to close. Anne grasped onto the neck of her tank top and pulled her in closer. Right as she began to throw the first punch, the hallways burst into what appeared to be rainfall. A fire struck in the girl’s dorm, setting off the emergency sprinklers.
“Everyone out!” Ms. Peabody screeched, leading the girls out of the dorm. Anne, soaked from sweat and water, let go of Mandy. She smiled delightfully, no longer drenched in heat. All of the girls were outside, while Anne stayed indoors, basking in the cool water that poured over her.
She sighed happily.
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Post by Memai on Jun 29, 2010 7:53:17 GMT -5
Hey ho! It's time for a delicious little critique nibblets Juuuust brushing up on my writing/RPing skills. They still suck. D':. Yeah, this is a really weird little one-shot I did... at least, I HOPE it goes here. I'm still a little confused of the workings of the site. Critques accepted gratefully. --------------------------------------------------------------------------- The humid, summer air flowed over Bullworth in a tsunami-like breeze. The children on the campus gasped for air as the humid winds swept over them. Only few were wandering outside in the blazing heat, while most were basking in the cool air-conditioning of their dormitories. As for the girls, they weren't so lucky. The air-conditioning in the clean, prim dorm was broken and in need of repair. "This sucks," declared Anne, lying on her bed with only a tank-top and shorts on. "It's hot as balls. The boys don't have to endure this shit." Beatrice was on the bed next to her. She was reading a teen-hip magazine."Well, we'll just have to live with it, I guess." Anne, sweating furiously, groaned loudly. She buried her face into her pillow. Beatrice sighed and went back to her reading. Anne panted, the heat attacking her body as if it just declared war. “What’s going on in here, losers?” Said a familiar, snobby voice from the hallway. Anne picked up her head, soaking with sweat. “Get out of here, Mandy,” Beatrice cried. Her voice cracked.“Who asked you, spotty?” Mandy sneered. Anne, turned around and looked stared at her, she wasn’t dripping a bead of sweat. “What are you looking at, scarface?” “How the hell are you not sweating, you little whore?” Anne asked, panting.“Ew, sweat is disgusting! I don’t know why I’m not sweating, creep. Besides, sweating is disgusting. It’s what pigs do.” “Oh, I see. So, you aren’t human?” Anne raised her eyebrow. “Excuse me?” Mandy groaned, curious herself. “Well, all humans sweat. It’s biological. Sweat is released from your pores in order to cool off-” Beatrice started, but was interrupted by Mandy. “So, what are you suggesting? That I’m sort of alien?” “You never know ‘till we find out,” Anne smirked. She hopped off the bed and slinked her way toward the stuck-up jock. “W-what are you doing, freak?!” She cried. Anne, face-to-face with the jock, latched onto her breasts. “These aren’t boobs, they’re jelly-filled egg sacks, aren’t they?” Mandy smacked her. Anne frowned. Her eyebrows furrowed angrily. “Don’t you ever touch me like that, you creep!” “Oh, it is on,” Anne snarled, curling her hands into fists slowly. She was exhausted from the devilish heat. Mandy began to tear up, her eyes started to close. Anne grasped onto the neck of her tank top and pulled her in closer. Right as she began to throw the first punch, the hallways burst into what appeared to be rainfall. A fire struck in the girl’s dorm, setting off the emergency sprinklers. “Everyone out!” Ms. Peabody screeched, leading the girls out of the dorm. Anne, soaked from sweat and water, let go of Mandy. She smiled delightfully, no longer drenched in heat. All of the girls were outside, while Anne stayed indoors, basking in the cool water that poured over her. She sighed happily. Ho kay, I have absolutely no problems with grammar, spelling or punctuation and the like. You write decently, which is something I'm giving you major credits for >w< One thing to keep in mind, mein fraulein; the one-shot wonder is really used as a way to show us what your character's like. Like, what would Anne do in so-and-so situation, what would her thoughts be or what action would she take? It's the little things that make up a character :> Right now, I see Anne as really childish... and obviously has a thing for tits. I mean, it can be written well, it can be written in a funny, perverse way, but you're going to have to remember; consciously grabbing someone's tits who're obviously hostile or do NOT want it, is technically sexual assault. Which is a really touchy subject. I know you 'prolly meant to write it in the 'funny, perverse' way, but you have to remember that there are others on this board that MAY have gone through this and it's going to bring back some bad memories. So, just watch what you write? Also, I don't really see how grabbing another girls jiggy-jigs is a plus to her character anyway, unless you meant to write her as being very immature :< Anne is supposed to be a Bully, yes? Is there a reason why she's hanging out with Beatrice so freely while reading trashy mags? :< I think it'd be funny if they were roommates, you know, so Anne could always prank her and unleash little hell on the poor Nerd. But maybe not sitting on the bed hanging out like it's nothing >___> Also, fire in the girls' dorm and she'd rather sit there under the sprinklers? Would be funny if she had set off a small fire just to trigger the sprinklers, no? You have to elaborate on WHY Anne does these things :> Does she grab tits to freak others out? Does she trigger sprinklers because she's desperate?
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Post by hcatm42 on Jun 27, 2011 18:22:47 GMT -5
"You have to come and get me. I cannot stay here any longer!" She pleaded into her cell-phone. Clarissa Warrener sat on her bed, clutching the phone with both hands as if it were trying to escape her. She had been waiting for what seemed an eternity for a chance to call her father.
She could hear him sigh heavily on the other end. "Clarie, you haven't even been there a full week yet. Didn't we agree you were going to give real school a shot?"
"You do not understand." Clarie clamored. "In the four days I have been here I have been pushed into a fountain, crammed into a locker, tripped, stolen from, shoved into a garbage can-"
He interrupted her. "I know school can be tough, but you'll find some nice people you can relate to. It will get better, I promise."
He sounded so optimistic. He had sent here in hopes she would learn so social skills, make a few friends maybe; but every time Clarie turned around, there was a new person just waiting to torture her in some new and creative way.
"If you leave me here, there is a good chance I could end up permanently scarred." She said, attempting to appeal to his reason. But there would be no talking him out of this.
"Don't be so dramatic, Clarie. You'll be fine. Just try and make some new friends; and I guarantee when the semester rolls around, you will be begging me to let you stay."
"Oh yes. I just love being publicly humiliated daily." She muttered softly.
"What was that?" Her father asked.
"Nothing. Okay dad. I will try to survive until the semester; but if I still hate, it I can go back to being home schooled, right?" She said, giving up.
"Yes yes, of course." He rattled off, pleased that he had convince her to stay. "Well, I have to go now, dear. Bye-bye!"
"Bye. I wil-" Clarissa began, but he hung up before she could finish. She set the phone down on her nightstand and looked down at her hands.
How hard could it be to wait until semester? Clarie thought, trying to lift her spirits. It is only 10 or so weeks away. She laid back on her bed.
I am not going to make it.
((This is small peek at Clarie's first days at Bullworth, obviously before she became part of the nerds. I'm sorry it's so very short and I hope I didn't murder the role-playing format.))
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Post by Memai on Jun 28, 2011 2:45:50 GMT -5
I think you did fine, love :> There are a few mistakes here and there, but I totally understood your post and I liked how the conversation between the father and her sounded real. Like, some fanfictions write the parents off as being very dismissive and whatnot, but I liked how you reasoned that her father sent her there and is trying to keep her there (probably because the fees are just insane XD) for her own good!
I really, really cannot wait to see you in the main roleplays, love ; w;
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Post by professorpineapple on Jun 28, 2011 14:26:33 GMT -5
Aw, poor Clarie~
I absolutely adore the phrase "clutching the phone with both hands as if it were trying to escape her." Something about it just really stuck out to me ;D Yes, I am a huge nerd.
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Post by hcatm42 on Jun 28, 2011 14:30:36 GMT -5
Thank you guys! I was really nervous about my first post :/ But all is well. Not using contractions kind of sounds weird to me but I think I just might keep it anyway. I'm very excited to introduce her into the main roleplays, and will be posting in one of them soon. :]
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Wicked
New Member
*Clap, Clap*
Posts: 72
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Post by Wicked on Jul 11, 2011 9:55:11 GMT -5
Memai, my love just grew stronger. I was just reading some of the post on here and that one where you're talking about Dee on a beach, Oh my, I laughed so hard my sister came over to the computer and I had to shut it off right away.
My sister told my mom I was probably watching porn. Yep. Im not lying, Thanks Mems! xD
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Wicked
New Member
*Clap, Clap*
Posts: 72
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Post by Wicked on Jul 11, 2011 14:05:32 GMT -5
It was Monday, a few hours after Brittany had gotten settled in her dorm in Bullworth. She already hated it. The rich girl had to share a room with another girl, quite opposite of her. Maybe they did have some things in common, but Brittany would never ask. The first thing she had saw when she came into her dorm was the girl studying. And that was it, that girl was forever labeled as ''Complicated, Do NOT talk to her.''[/b] In Brit's mind. The rich girl hated that, feeling lower then someone. Of course she loved feeling higher then some people but when it came to the other side of the stick she didn't like it at all, especially when it came to intelligence, but she felt sort of safe in a way knowing she had money....but then again she could slip and everybody might call her a ''Moron'' or ''Stupid'' which scarred her a little bit. Then again, she's Brittany Cassiy. That girl could be happy if she saw something sparkle after her little puppy gotten eaten by a crocodile.
(oh my god, I totally just imagined that, awwww, THAT BASTARD CROCODILE!)
~
Brittany was sitting on her bed as her eyes secretly admired the nerd's posters.
Posters of vampires and hunks all around. Oh, how much Brittany enjoyed that but would never admit it, especially telling that ''Complicated, do NOT talk to'' girl she admires those sparkly vampires as much as she probably does too. But in Brittany's mind the girl would start blabbering about mathematics, which had just pushed the rich girl further away.
~
It was another 2 hours, Brittany had been in the same spot, feeling the same uncomfortableness . The nerd girl, whose name was actually ''Beatrice.'' As shown on her studying notes that Brittany's eyes had just...accidently roamed upon when Beatrice had left the room, didn't say anything at all, it had actually made Brittany think maybe Beatrice didn't know she was there at all. The nervous system in Brittany's brain had cooled down. She got a little more comfortable, knowing that Beatrice probably didn't know she was there.
''LIGHT'S OFF NOW GIRLS!'' Ms. Peabody yelled, and soon after the lights went off. A Burst of sunlight was still in the room though, coming in from the hallway and making it's way in. Soon enough Beatrice had came in. ''I am now!'' She yelled back, hurrying up so she wouldn't get in trouble by Ms. Peabody.
And then, it was dark. Beatrice laid in her bed. The door was close.
Silence[/b]
''Did you even change into pajamas?'' Brittany got the courage to asked.
''AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!'' The nerd screamed, thinking it was a pervert.
Brittany had shot up from her bed, wandering the room fastly as she looked for a light switch so she could show the nerd her true identity. Unfortunately she pulled a fire alarm.
''Oh lord....'' Brittany sighed as all the fellow girls came out of their dorm rooms, looking confused. The lights had went on as Brittany made her way into the hallway. All the girls looked at her, laughing....
''It wasn't me! It was.....It was Beat-rice!'' That girl explained, failing Beatrice's name.
All the girls, laughed louder and louder. Comments were being made. Ms Peabody looking at her with disappointment. ''You will get punished, I am known for punishing my trouble makers young lady!''
All the girls had laughed even louder then before. ''What a moron!'' ''Oh my god? That's her name? I knew it!'' ''Wow, what a idiot! Hahaha!''
Un-comfortableness comes back, even harder. Nervousness, even harder. Embarrassment, about to knock her out. She turned around, a tear falling down her cheek. Then, all of sudden.
''Oh my god! I love those shoes! Seriously, who do they belong to!?'' Brittany explained with her hands.I tried to get those last easter because the mall had a sale but they ran out...THEY ARE SO SPARKLY...'' Brittany had said with excitement and curiosity starring at the shoes that had peaked through one of the girl's rooms.
(lololol. Somebody give me tips, did I use my comma's correctly? Im a little scarred of those freaking commas. they're axe murderers. Anyway, I really need help with Past tense, I know that for a fact. Sorry! Although, I definitely have used the word 'Had' alot like Prof said to, thanks for that Prof! And also, did I write that last sentence right? The way I broke it so I can put that she was gesturing with her hands. whoever reviews this can you re write that and write it the way you would, but could you add that she was gesturing thru the sentence? I can never fit it in there its just so complicated xD)
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Post by professorpineapple on Jul 12, 2011 14:09:45 GMT -5
Crit in process~
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