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Post by professorpineapple on Jul 15, 2011 16:47:15 GMT -5
HOLY FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK EVERYTHING My uncle's Mac just spazzed out and deleted the ENTIRE POST FULL OF CRITIQUES WHAT THE FUCK At least the conclusion was spared...I swear I'll go back over the post itself, after I'm done MURDERING STEVE JOBS IN THE FACE Sorry, Emma ;_; Your commas still need a little bit of work, but you seem to be getting the hang of it. Just remember to read over your posts slowly - either after you've typed it all up, or while you're writing - to make sure you don't miss any. Commas are meant to separate ideas within a sentence, to make it easier to process. Sometimes, it helps to look at the length of the sentence as a whole - if it's a really long sentence with only one comma, you have a problem. Also, try not to make your sentences too long, even with commas. I try to keep mine from going on longer than one line, myself. More often than not, a really long sentence can be split up by changing a comma into a period, and capitalizing the next word. Speaking of which, capitalization seems to be giving you some little issues (that I think I forgot to mention in my last critique - sorry!). Obviously, the first word in every sentence should be capitalized, but also proper nouns. Proper nouns are usually names, of either people (Jimmy, Beatrice, Gord) or places (Bullworth, New Coventry, YumYum Market). If a word is not a proper noun and isn't the first word in a sentence, it does not need to be capitalized. Once again, content-wise, I really like this. This whole thing has just the right amount of silliness that would fit into the actual Bully game - both the situation, and Brittany herself. I really can't wait to see Brittany in the main RPs, because she looks like she'd be a ton of fun. She's snobby and ditzy, but there's also that little bit of insecurity that keeps her from being too two-dimensional FUCK YOU MAC SRSLY
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Wicked
New Member
*Clap, Clap*
Posts: 72
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Post by Wicked on Jul 15, 2011 21:10:23 GMT -5
lolz, don't worry!
Thank you so much Prof! I love you!!! You have made me feel a lot more better about my writing, really. And again thanks about the comma thing, I usually get confused with it.
Again and again and again, I LOVE YOU PROF! I LOVE YOU!
Thank you so much, you're just too awesome. Well, I guess I'll go throw Brittany in the RP now. IM SO NERVOUSSS
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Post by professorpineapple on Jul 15, 2011 22:29:42 GMT -5
D'aww, you flatter me so ;w;
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Post by pupycat1 on Jul 22, 2011 10:48:47 GMT -5
how do you make words in bold and words in italics? please?
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Post by UnknownTerritory on Jul 22, 2011 11:36:21 GMT -5
Bold Italics Underlined
Strikethrough
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Post by pupycat1 on Jul 22, 2011 16:35:11 GMT -5
((Ok then here I go ))
It was so early in the morning it seemed not even the birds outside were awake. Nefi was in her room tired, quiet, and barley awake. She looked her over to her clock, the time being four twenty-three Nefi decided to go downstairs.Nefi walked out of her room leaving her door open, she quickly walked down the stairs to find that her mother was awake handleing boxes. Nefi's house was full of boxes since her and her mother only arived in their new house a week ago and Nefi's mother being the only form of income has to work a lot leaving her no time to unpack.
Nefi walked up to the kitchen counter rested her hands on the cold marble surface. She looked over to her mother who was still moving around boxes and said. "Hey Mom are you going to be able to drive me to that new school today or am I going to have to bring myself?"
Nefi's mother saying as she looked up from the box in her hand. "No I'm sorry, I have to be at work at five o' clock and that is a half hour from here."
Nefi closed her eyes and nodded her head with that being an expected and usuall answer from her mother. " Yeah I'll be perfectly fine riding my bike seeing as how I know this nieghborhood so well from living her so long." She said sarcasticly.
Nefi's Mother quickly looked over to her as she put down what she was holding. "What do you want from me eh? I have to work you know!....listed the woman across the street who I was talking to the other day says there is a boy who lives right next door who goes to bullworth. Why not make friends with him and learn the area?"
Nefi took in what her mother said with reluctance. "Yeah fine whatever as long as he's not a looser."
Nefi's mother smugly smiled as she said "Good."
Nefi's mother turned away, walked over to the front door, and grabbed her purse. "I Have to go to work now bye! Oh and remember actually go to school. It is the first day, that is suposed to be important. Her mother slamed the door, huried to her car and was gone in seconds. Nefi let out a big sigh and then went to the bathroom to go get ready. She put her dirty cloths in the hamper, took a shower and brushed her teeth. With the air still steamy nefi left the bathroom and quickly walked to her bedroom. Nefi's skin still being wet she forced her school uniform on and looked in the mirror having never tried them on before. "The deen of this school must be blind and dumb. This is stupid!" She walked over to her closet and looked inside, there they were her bright red suspenders. Once she saw them she grabed them and walked back in front of the mirror to put them on. She examined the modification to the uniform. "eh?" Still not sure about her outfit Nefi did her hair and left her house. There was an hour before school started and nefi still wasn't sure how to get there from Bullworth Vale. She remembered the nieghbor boy her mother was talking about and figured she should probably meet this kid. Nefi was sitting on the front steps of her house looking over to the bullworth boy's house for a few minutes before she decided to get up and go meet him. She walked up the walkway to his front door and stared at the paint on the door for a few seconds befor going to knock. Nefi lifted her hand and went to knock but before her knuckles could reach the door it flew open and to a large boy standing and staring at her. Nefi looked up at him and was about to ask if a kid who goes to bullworth lives here before she noticed that he was wearing a bullworth uniform.
The boy, looking more confused then angry looked at Nefi and squinted. "Uhh Who are you? And why you on my lawn?"
Nefi being kind of nervous let out a slight laugh but then answered him. "I'm Nefi nice to meet you too. Listen I'm new at bullworth and I'm just trying to make friends at this school and also I don't even know how to get there from here. So I wanted to meet another kid who goes to bullworth so I could mabye get help on those problems." She said unenthusiasticly.
The boy looked at her confused. "Yeah uh ok I'm Russle but why should I help you?" he said in a negative tone
Nefi Squinted and at this point was sick of bullshit. "Because what I can tell from what I've seen of you already is that you are probably just as big an asshole as me and assholes and other assholes need to stick together otherwise no asshole anywhere would have any friends becuase everyone would think they were an asshole.......ok? And if you want to be mean to me could you atleast show me the way to bullworth before you start?
Russle closed the door and stepped fully outside still towering over Nefi. "Why you call Russle an asshole if you want to be 'friends'"
Nefi sighed "I didn't call you that as an insult Russle. I meant it as like a hardass, or a bully if you will."
Russle cocked his head up with enlightment. "Ohhhhh. Fine Russle show you to school but that it. After that We no friends."
Nefi devilishly smiled "Thanks big guy."
I know that is short, I know it sucks, and I know I most likley spelled things wronge. but besides that lol How did I do?
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Post by pupycat1 on Jul 22, 2011 16:37:29 GMT -5
ok well NVM about it being short I thought it was shorter then that. LOL ^^'
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Post by UnknownTerritory on Jul 22, 2011 17:16:27 GMT -5
Bold Italics
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Post by Memai on Jul 22, 2011 23:49:04 GMT -5
Hey there love :> Well, for what I assume is the first time, you did a pretty good job :> You've got a basic plotline and while you have some grammar and spelling mistakes, I think those can be corrected over time. You do have some sentence structure problems which make reading the post a bit strange to read.
But otherwise, here are my comments to help you improve better :>
It was so early in the morning it seemed not even the birds outside were awake. Nefi was in her room tired, quiet, and barley awake. She looked her over to her clock, the time being four twenty-three Nefi decided to go downstairs.Nefi and walked out of her room leaving her door open, she quickly (see note 1) walked down the stairs to find that her mother was awake handling boxes. Nefi's house was full of boxes since her and her mother only arrived in their new house a week ago and Nefi's mother being the only form of income has to work a lot which leaving leaves her no time to unpack.
*note 1: You don't have to mention everything in detail. Writing about something means you bring attention to it, which makes whatever you wrote about important. Plus, we don't care if she left the door open or not ;> We can make that up in our heads. Just get to the point.
Example 1: She left the bathroom and wrapped her towel around her, brushing her teeth and fixing her hair, she put on deodorant and left the steaming bathroom and walked down the hall past three doors and took a right turn. She then turned the knob clockwise and entered her room and sat on the bed, looked around, then got up and closed the door and got ready.
Example 2: She left the bathroom, with a towel wrapped around her body and left for her room. The short distance to her room seemed longer with everyone staring at her but she walked quickly and slammed her door shut the minute she was in the safety of her room.
The first example is TELLING us what she's doing. Nothing wrong with that, but it's boring and we don't really need to know all that. The second example has some SHOWING (she felt awkward walking back from the bathroom to her room) and makes the same point as the first example but with much less words.
If you can get the message across in less words, do so :> Pointless descriptions shouldn't be there unless it's tells you something about the character (ex is her room neat or tidy? Was her towel brand new or raggedy? Does she slouch or does she stand up straight?)
There's nothing really wrong with your post, it's a good introduction and all :> Definitely some stuff that can be ironed out, but like I said, that can be fixed with a little time :>
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Post by pupycat1 on Jul 23, 2011 12:24:14 GMT -5
ok yeah thanks. I understand what you mean about over doing it with the description. I'll work on it
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Post by giveitupforbecca on Jul 31, 2011 18:14:18 GMT -5
((Hey there! This is just a little introduction to my character, William. It takes place the first day of freshmen year. William is 14 here, though in any RPs he'll be 16. Any and all critique is greatly appreciated!<3))
High school. The beginning of a new chapter in my life. I stood outside the large double doors, a huge dorky grin plastered on my face. Well, it's now or never. Let's do this! I pushed the door open to see the building buzzing with students of all kinds. So this is Bullworth academy, I thought. I pulled my schedule out of my bag to look at my first class. English with Mr. Galloway. I walked down the hallway; my eyes glued to my schedule, and ran face first into a body. “Hey! Watch where you’re going, nerd!” I hastily bent down to pick up my dropped schedule, apologizing profusely. A big hand grabbed me by the collar and forced me to look up at the owner. I suddenly found myself looking into the eyes of a boy. A really beautiful boy. He had short brown hair that fell in wisps over his forehead, and a silver earring shone in his left ear. I felt blood rush to my cheeks and prayed he didn’t notice my blush. Boy, whoever said brown eyes weren’t beautiful had obviously never met this guy. “I-uh, I’m really s-sorry, um…wow, I’m so sorry…” Goddammit, stop stuttering! He growled low in his throat, which may or may not have been the sexiest thing I’d ever heard in all my fourteen years, and released my bright green vest. “Gee, thanks a-” “Don’t finish that sentence. You cross me again, I’ll pound ya. Understand?” “I - yeah sure. Sorry.” The boy nodded and turned on his heel, walking down the hall and placing his arm around the shoulders of a tall, short-haired trampy looking girl. I frowned, turned, and walked in the opposite direction. I wondered vaguely what his name was as I entered my very first class at Bullworth Academy.
Yep yep, I know it's short, but I kinda like how it turned out ~
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Post by Memai on Jul 31, 2011 21:53:43 GMT -5
Hey love :> I think you were pretty damned flawless <3 Though keep in mind that for our roleplays we use third person narratives (he, she, they) instead of first person (I, we, mine).
Other than that, I liked it <3 You gave us an insight to his thoughts on the people he's met, you've shown the typical nerd stuttering, all good, all good :> I can't wait to see you in the rest of the roleplays ♥
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Post by theaterdude45 on Apr 13, 2012 0:06:00 GMT -5
It was almost Dawn. Most of the students were tucked away in their beds, and the Prefects were out patrolling the usual rounds. However, two students would not be found in their beds tonight. Currently, these students were all dressed in black.
“Jake, this is a bad idea.”
“It’s a great idea.”
“But if we get caught-“
“We won’t be, now stay quiet, keep low, and keep the mouth zipped.”
Crossing through the hole in the wall that leads to the school from the boys’ dorm, one of them was holding a rather large duffel bag, crouching slightly and barely making a sound as he carefully maneuvered around the Prefects. The guy behind him was a bit of a different story all together. He was more slow, stopping every few seconds to look over his shoulder and his steps were clearly untrained, and his rapid breathing had nearly caused them to get caught once or twice course he was out of shape.
Luckily, they made it to their destination. The library, or beside the library where the hole was located that lead straight to the target, Harrington House. Jake craned his head to see Earnest, the poor guy looked like a deer caught in headlights. Before going through the hole, Jake dropped the bag and turned around to face Earnest, a concerned look on his face as he placed his hand on Earnest’s shoulder.
“Earnest, buddy? You have to calm down.”
“Calm! I’m completely calm! I’m calm as-“
Jake moved fast, pushing Earnest harmlessly into the wall by wrapping his hand around Earnest’s mouth to silence his fearful squeaking voice, pressing a forefinger against his lips to signal to Earnest to be quiet. A moment later, they could hear footsteps walking across the library, the light of a flashlight further signaling the fact that a prefect was nearby. They both stopped breathing for a few seconds. Two pairs of eyes focused on the light, one wide and panicked, the other, half-lidded and serious. Then, after a few seconds…the footsteps echoed away and Jake removed his hand, they both breathed a sigh of relief. Jake focused his attentions back to Earnest, whose skin was now ghostly white.
“Earnest, breathe slowly... In…and out.” Jake coached to the nerd, waiting as Earnest closed his eyes and follow his instructions. After a few seconds, Earnest opened his eyes and Jake smiled, one of his confident smiles.
“You feeling better?”
“Yeah, I think so. Still, if we get caught…”
“We won’t. Sides, these preppies deserve what’s coming to them. And as long as we keep quiet, we’ll pull this off.” “I suppose your right. As long as it’s dark we shouldn’t be seen…and this is a great way to get back at those snobbish little jerks.” Earnest’s fear was starting to become eaten away by the anticipation, the excitement of the situation. He looked towards Jake and gave him a swift nod. “Let’s do this.” Jake smirked and hefted up the duffel bag and proceeded through the hole, a much calmer Earnest right behind him. After making it through the hedges, Jake took out some packaged rare meat to distract the dog while Earnest unzipped the bag and pulled out two modified spud guns and threw one to Jake, who effortlessly caught it and took out two more large cans filled with something that definitely wasn’t potatoes.
“This is going to be fun, think those snobs will enjoy this?”
“Trust me, when we’re done. Those Preppies will be waking up to a nice surprise tomorrow…For us anyway, now let’s get this over with quick before that prefect walks by.” Jake replied, his grin now turning more sinister as he cocked his weapon and shot it off with a quiet thunk.
SPLAT! After a quick series of shooting, thunking, and splatting, the boys quickly packed away the evidence. Just in time to, cause the moment the duffel was zipped. There was a loud shout.
“Stop you Hooligans!” ---------------------------------------------------------
“WHAT THE BLOODY HELL?!” Was the first thing that came out of Derby Harrington’s mouth as he looked over Harrington Houses new paint job, it was early in the morning, and the prefects had woken up all the preppies to tell them the dreadful news. All the Preppies were outside now, still in their pajamas. Harrington House had been splattered with two distinctive and dreadful colors that should never ever be used together. Apple Green and Bubblegum Pink, splattered and criss-crossed all over the house [The windows being carefully avoided], turning it into every Preppies worst nightmare! They were in the midst of discussing the new color scheme.
“Dreadful, absolutely dreadful.”
“If those vagabonds insist on vandalizing our house, the least they could have done was used colors that actually mesh!”
“I don’t know, it’s kind of growing on me?”
“Are you daft? It’s horrendous! I absolutely refuse to sleep in there until it’s cleaned up.”
The other students were getting a kick out of this, seeing the home of the snobbiest kids in school vandalized with such stupid colors, in the back of the group. Jacob Jones and Vincent were standing side by side. Vincent was surveying the house, his expression rather smug as he turned his head slightly to Jacob.
“Ya did good, real good. We’ll definitely be doin’ business again.” A quick exchanging of hands, and Vincent was on his way to the Auto-shop, and Jake walked away too, busy counting the money.
"Did we get paid?" Jake paused, turning his head to look towards Earnest, who looked a bit jittery and nervous. Probably the adrenaline still going through his system after they had escaped from the prefects.
"We got paid," Jake handed over some of the crisp bills over to Earnest, who gladly took them from his hand. Jake nudged him before saying, "So admit it, you had fun right?"
“It was certainty quite an experience I shan’t be forgetting anytime soon. Perhaps...I wouldn't mind accompanying you again if you needed a partner again." Jake's grin broadened and he clapped his hand on Earnest's back, causing the boy to stumble slightly. "Sounds like a plan, Earnest. Sounds like plan…”
-END-
[Re-Edited and hopefully better. I took Professor’s advice and tried to put in a little more detail for the beginning, while modifying Earnest a bit. He’s nervous yes but once assured, he’s more than happy to be there, if your curious, they went through the gate and closed it away before leaving for the observatory to hide. I hope I can keep doing this kind of good work for other rps. Enjoy^^]
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Post by professorpineapple on Apr 13, 2012 10:17:44 GMT -5
I liked it a lot The bit with the Preppies critiquing the colors was pretty funny - and totally in-character for them. My only crit is that, in the first part, Earnest isn't really acting very nervous. All we see is his rapid breathing, which I took to being because he's out of shape, since he's a Nerd. And when they're nearly caught by the Prefect, Earnest doesn't seem to be any more panicked than Jake. Some more details could help - maybe he's ducking behind a new hiding place every few steps, or keeps looking over his shoulder, or something? Also, given his character, it'd make sense if he got kind of chatty when he was nervous, maybe whispering things like "Wait, I think someone saw us!" or "I don't think this is a good idea" or something to that effect. Even though he went along willingly, he might have second thoughts once they actually get out into the field, so to speak. Although, I'm not sure if he would be nervous at all, since it's dark and everyone is asleep. In the game, Earnest seemed kind of ruthless toward his enemies, even though he's kind of weak. Assuming that the Preps are as nasty to the Nerds as everyone else, Earnest would probably see them as an enemy, and be more excited about vandalizing them, so long as they had the element of surprise on their side. Just my two cents. It's so great to see you online again, though - I hope you'll be joining us in the newer threads soon
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Post by theaterdude45 on Apr 13, 2012 11:45:17 GMT -5
Hmm Your right, I could've put more detail into it but it was night and I was sleepy, wanted to get this up as soon as possible so I rushed. True, reading it over again I did feee like I could have done better with Earnest, but it was has been years since I played the game last so my grasp of him is kind of sketchy. Perhaps I'll redo this a bit to make it more believeable. Anyway, Nice to hear you like it Prof, and I'm glad to be back online and rest assured I will be joining the new threads very soon.
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