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Post by AshHavynn on May 16, 2010 20:32:06 GMT -5
Whenever you make a roleplay post in the Swimming Lessons section, a moderator is going to critique you on it. We will do this by editing your post, and putting our edit in a quote. We may omit uneccessary information, divide run-on sentences, add new sentences, or correct other grammatical errors. We will also let you know when you have stepped out of character, to our knowledge, or done something completely unrealistic like 'conveniently knowing' things that are crucial to plot.
The following post will be a demonstration of how this critiquing process will take place.
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Post by Chelsea Saughton on May 17, 2010 6:38:55 GMT -5
Kay woke up that morning feeling groggy and like she wanted to die. She got out of bed and grabbed her saftey goggles and her school books and her rucksack cause she never left the dorm without it.
She was new to bullworth and had been sent there because her mom was a bitch and a whore and didn't want her anymore. as Kay thot of this, a tear gathered in the corners of her eye. She kept her head down and ran down the stairs where she bumped into a preppy girl. "Oh, I'm so sorry," Kay cried. The girl had a leather jacket on and a black cap. "You should be! My daddy bought these cloths for me and if they're dirty, you'll know about it, you cretin!" The girl snapped back. Kay felt angry. "Shut up bicth!" She screamed, and shoved the preppy girl aside, and stormed off. She kicks the dorm door open and walks out into Bullworth, where everyone was glaring at her. She suddenly decides to not go into class and insted she rans off the the fountain to be alone.
Whan Kay got to the fountain, she sat down, her long brown hair over her eyes, and she felt like crying, but behind the fountain, something was going on. She looked around and saw a boy in a different uniform from Bullworth and he was holding a baseball bat. He had neat brown hair and a pale face and what Kay instantly recognised as a bottle of pills in his pocket, just from the shape, because she has studied medicine alot.
The othr boy was a gorgeous preppy boy. Kay blushed as she saw him. Him and the boy with a baseball bat started to fight. "Will Silverberg!" Roared the preppy boy. "I'll kill you!" "Not if i get you first you bastard! I've waited a long time for this!" Will snarled and swung the baseball bat at the preppy boy with blonde hair, whom Kay suddenly felt like she cared so much for. She jumped up and fly kicked Will in the chest.
"You saved me!" The blonde boy gasped. "I'm Derby Harrington... and you are, young stunning lady?"
((LOL))
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Post by DJKID on May 17, 2010 17:02:04 GMT -5
(( I LAUGHED. SO HARD. TEARS. ))
Kay woke up that morning feeling groggy and like she wanted to die. She got out of bed and grabbed her safety goggles and her school books. She also grabber her rucksack, an item she never went without. (Too wordy for one sentence. Too many ands. Break off the sentence to stress importance of her bag.)
She was new to Bullworth and had been sent there because her mom was a bitch and a whore who didn't want her anymore. As Kay thought of this, a tear gathered in the corners of her eyes. (Is this in-character for Kay?) She kept her head down and ran down the stairs where she bumped into a preppy girl. "Oh, I'm so sorry," Kay cried. The girl had a leather jacket on and a black cap. "You should be! My daddy bought these cloths for me and if they're dirty, you'll know about it, you cretin!" The girl snapped back. Kay felt angry. "Shut up bitch!" She screamed, and shoved the preppy girl aside, and stormed off. She kicked the dorm door open and walked outside into Bullworth, where everyone was glaring at her. (Watch your tenses. We already know she's at Bullworth, she doesn't to walk into it. Why was everyone glaring at her?) She suddenly decided to not go into class and instead she ran off to the fountain to be alone. (Again, keep it in the past tense.)
When Kay got to the fountain, she sat down, her long brown hair over her eyes, and she felt like crying; but behind the fountain, something was going on. (Don't forget about semi-colons for extra long sentences!) She looked around and saw a boy in a different uniform from Bullworth's, who was holding a baseball bat. (Too many ands) He had neat brown hair and a pale face and what Kay instantly recognized as a bottle of pills in his pocket, just from the shape, because she has studied medicine a lot. (This is impossible knowledge.)
The other boy was a gorgeous Prep. Kay blushed as she saw him. Him and the boy with a baseball bat started to fight. "Will Silverberg!" Roared the preppy boy. "I'll kill you!" "Not if I get you first you bastard! I've waited a long time for this!" Will snarled and swung the baseball bat at the preppy boy with blonde hair, whom Kay suddenly felt like she cared so much for. (Why does she care for him? What sparked this emotion?) She jumped up and fly kicked Will in the chest.
"You saved me!" The blonde boy gasped. "I'm Derby Harrington... and you are, young stunning lady?"
(( Like that, Ash? ))
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Post by Chelsea Saughton on May 17, 2010 18:43:08 GMT -5
((Someone should also go over the OOC stuff, I'd say Ash. Good work, resident Grammar Nazi DJKID. Whomever covers it though, should also explain why Kay's character, despite how she's my character is OOC!))
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Post by AshHavynn on May 17, 2010 21:04:36 GMT -5
Kay woke up that morning (That morning? Try not to begin your posts with things like "That day," and "That time." Save that for flashbacks) feeling groggy and like she wanted to die. She got out of bed and grabbed her saftey goggles and her school books and her rucksack cause she never left the dorm without it. (run on, unnecessary info? If it's important enough to write about which items she takes, you might want to mention why.) She was new to bullworth and had been sent there because her mom was a bitch and a whore and didn't want her anymore (Objection, leading the witness. Chelsea, you should consider giving Kay's mom more meat as a character, the odds are she sent Kay here for a reason. Was she alcoholic? Does Kay look a lot like her estranged father? Also, the way this sentence is written, I can't tell if this is fact written by you, or Kay's opinion of her mother.) as Kay thot of this, a tear gathered in the corners of her eye. She kept her head down and ran (This seems out of character?) down the stairs where she bumped into a preppy girl. "Oh, I'm so sorry,"; Kay cried. The girl had a leather jacket on and a black cap. " You should be! My daddy bought these cloths for me and if they're dirty, you'll know about it, you cretin!" (wait, is this Roxy? Firstly, I would avoid godmodding-which is when you 'control' a character that does not belong to you, because this is VERY OOC for Roxy, and I'm sure it puts Memai in a tough spot to reply. Roxy isn't mean, Chelsea, and take care to read through entire posts before replying--Memai said Roxy refused to wear Aquaberry because she thought it was tacky and stuffy. She's a no-clique, too.); The girl snapped back. Kay felt angry. (You should describe how or why Kay is angry =) Just for fun) "Shut up bicth!"; She screamed, and shoved the preppy girl aside, and stormed off. (Three ideas in one sentence is a bit messy. You should try breaking them up into separate, more elaborate sentences, or changing the way they are written to provide contrast.) She kicks (whoa random past-to-present tense change) the dorm door open and walks out into Bullworth, where everyone was glaring at her. She suddenly decides to not go into class and insted she rans (There is no such word as rans my dear) off the the fountain to be alone. (Did she decide not to go to class just because people glared at her? In her profile, you wrote Kay to be so isolated and cold that I would think a glare or two wouldn't bother her. Why is she suddenly so emotional? If it's that time of month, you could definitely have used it to your advantage in explaining why she wanted to die when she woke up.) Whan Kay got to the fountain, she sat down, her long brown hair over her eyes, and she felt like crying, (The way you mentioned her hair seemed unnecessary, really. And OOC warning again, you usually write Kay where she'd eat nails before shedding a tear) but behind the fountain, something was going on (not entirely necessary, but it'd be more exciting if you listed particular experience than just saying something was up. Did she hear footsteps? Smell Cologne and sweat?). She looked around and saw a boy in a different uniform from Bullworth and he was holding a baseball bat. He had neat brown hair and a pale face and what Kay instantly recognised as a bottle of pills in his pocket, just from the shape, because she has studied medicine alot. (I know Kay's a nerd, but you never mentioned her medicinal studies before. At all. And even then, a pill bottle covered in fabric looks like a lot of things--A tube of MnM minis, a very round stick of deodorant, a glasses case, a portable lint roller... There's no way she could just TELL there were pills in Will's pockets.The othr boy was a gorgeous preppy boy (What's so gorgeous about him? Come on, doll, this is a GREAT chance to slide in what features Kay finds attractive in a boy!!). Kay blushed as she saw him. Him and the boy with a baseball bat started to fight."Will Silverberg!" Roared the preppy boy. "I'll kill you!" " Not if i get you first you bastard! I've waited a long time for this!" (Whoa whoa whoa. Godmod alert again. Will is calculating, quiet, and very discreet. He would NOT take Derby on, loudly, guns a-blazin' in broad day light in front of God and everyone. He wouldn't even be at the school. Please, DJKID has been planning Will/Derby's epic battle against each other for a long time, it's not very fair to her that you're starting things pre-emptively.) Will snarled and swung the baseball bat at the preppy boy with blonde hair, whom Kay suddenly felt like she cared so much for (Did she fall under a magic spell? Uh-uh. It's easier to hate an outsider than to throw yourself into a fight for a guy who's name you only learned 5 seconds ago.). She jumped up and fly kicked Will in the chest (Why didn't she flykick Roxy in the first place? Also, Major C.I.D. Nerds shouldn't be able to flykick ANYONE.) "You saved me!" The blonde boy gasped. "I'm Derby Harrington... and you are, young stunning lady?"
(Derby is kind of an ass, and you're a nerd. He's also not likely to own up to being rescued by a girl. Chill it out some, babe. It's not impossible for Kay and Derby to hook up, but it's going to take a long. Long. Well written and in character time.) ((LOL)) Kay woke up. This particular Monday morning, she felt groggy, and she just wanted to curl up into her comfy, welcoming bed and die. Her lack of motivation didn't get much better when she took her morning shower and discovered she'd been late to a family reunion with Aunt Flo--who was starting the festivities without her. Great, now she'd be moodswinging like a bitch all day. On her way out, she donned her safety goggles--I mean... ya know, you never know. She could need them. Kay was new to Bullworth. Whenever anyone asked her what brought her to the hellhole, she typically responded with a bitter, "My mother's a callous, drunken whore who wants to see me suffer." Kay shrugged the thought off as she felt herself becoming emotional. Starting to lose it, the nerd kept her head down and ran down the stairs, blindly, until she bumped into a rather short girl. "Oh, I'm so sorry," Kay blurted. The girl had a leather jacket on and a matching black cap, and other than being remarkably tiny, had no other outstanding features. "REL, for the last time, no, I WON'T forgive you! You--you, you mean person!!" The nameless dwarf, in her frustration, spun on heel and slapped what she thought would be REL's face, but instead was Kay's breast. "Oh... dear." "What the fuck!?" She screamed, a bit uncomfortable by being hit on by what looked like a 12 year old child, and shoved the preppy girl aside, storming off. She kicked the dorm door open and walked out into the wondrous haven that is Bullworth, where everyone was glaring at her. It made her feel uncomfortable how everyone at this school looked on at newcomers as if they had slept with the devil. Deciding not to go to class in favor of avoiding those judging gazes, Kay fled to the fountain to be alone. God did she need some Midol. When Kay reached the fountain, she plopped down, her long brown hair falling over her face . She wanted to cry, thinking about how she just could have stayed in bed, but her inner turmoil was interrupted by the sound of a desperate but angry shout. She looked around her and saw a boy in a uniform different from Bullworth's, holding a baseball bat with calm, contemplative mal intent. He had neatly styled brown hair and a pale face, and as if it weren't anything, one hand dipped fluidly into his coat pocket to produce a pill bottle, which he opened with only the free hand, and dispensed a few of its contents into his mouth, swallowing effortlessly, dry. He'd done this before, and Kay could tell, just from how casually he went about it.The boy the outsider was cornering was a gorgeous preppy boy. Kay blushed as she saw him, his fair blonde hair and perfect skin, the way he stood up straight and carried himself so dignified even in the face of a madly medicated intruder closing in with a weapon. It was so unlike herself, messy hair and scar-faced, always stomping about like an elephant. He and the boy with the baseball bat started to fight."Will Silverberg!" The prep roared his words as if trying to intimidate his opponent. "You hit me with that bat and I'll kill you! Better yet I'll HAVE you killed!" "......." Will said nothing as he analyzed his target, approaching him carefully, as if determining the best moment to strike. He was just plain creepy, and Kay Knew she needed to intervene if she ever expected this man's phone number, so she ran along the edge of the fountain, threw the weight of her body into the air for a flying kick to the chest, and... fell. On her ass. Will's attention immediately centered on the presence of this new piece of information, a witness, and he gave a subtle glare at the blonde before disappearing from the scene. "He got away!" Derby glared at Kay. "Bif would have come and snapped his neck if it weren't for you. Nerds," he scoffed, and left Kay on the concrete.
SOMEDAY, Derby. Some. Day.Sorry, Chelsea, I probably butchered your post, but there were just so many things going on. And as a head's up, a lot of out-of-character going on in there. I had to really change some of the things you wrote in order to make it all make sense... Since I had to change SO much, I would try either rewriting the entire post from the ground up, or trying to use less dramatic encounters with OCs next time. Also, try not to godmod, I'm sure it would have been fun to say she bumped into Roxy, and then let Memai post how Roxy responded. One last thing! PROOFREAD your posts for clarency and spelling errors! I cannot stress this enough! Something more like this, DJ? Don't be afraid to correct OOC situations, instead of just grammar. Also, spicing things up isn't bad critique.
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Post by Chelsea Saughton on May 18, 2010 9:02:47 GMT -5
Thank you Ash. I am not worthy! lol jk.
((Imagine if Kay actually did fancy derby? WTF lol. Someone inexperienced should take a shot now))
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