Sammy Winchester
Junior Member
My icon is suppose to be Sammy..mhmmm hahahha! *runs away*
Posts: 244
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Post by Sammy Winchester on Jun 14, 2010 17:31:47 GMT -5
This is just like the other one, but a RP for bad roleplayers so good rpers can help. So I think I know what Ash said, and I will start on the RP. Okay, lets get this started. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Sam sucked in the cancer, and blew it out. She got a little addicted to these things because of Stevie, every since then, she could not stop buying them and skipping second class. Sam was bound to it anyway, she's a social outcast, The prep would probably come up with an excuse, but secretly it was cool to her. Every since the ''accident''. She leaned back on the garage, one leg raised up behind her, She threw the cancer on the floor, as she squished it with her foot.
Shit, theirs ashes all over my shirt! She swiped the ashes clean, now Grey little lining all over her long sleeve shirt frustrated her.
''Fuck my mother, the only good shirt I have!'' Sam felt disgusted now, no reason really. It's only a shirt, but Sam was just asking for trouble. She's been feeling a little guilty about yesterday to, that's the main reason. The ex=prep's phone rang, and she struggled to take it out of her gruesome pants, but managed. She flipped it up, putting it to her ear.
''Hello, Badass here.''
''Sam, where are you, I said I'd meet you behind the school bus.'' The mystery boy said.
''No shit really? I forgot, I'm right here, by the garage. I'll com-'' The phone slipped out of hand, falling to the floor. Nothing seemed to break, just the big clash in the ground. Then it happened.
''Well, Winchester, who's this?'' The student said, with a hand on her hip.Crutching down Getting Sam's phone.
''Give. Me. My.Phone.'' The girl came up to the other one, fist to her sides curled up so hard they were aching red.
''Oh, this is your's?'' The ginger said, now standing up waving the device it in the air.
''You're gonna regret it kid, give me my phone.'' She came closer, now eyeing the girl.
''Hello? Sammy speaking,'' She said with a mocking tone.
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Post by Chelsea Saughton on Jun 14, 2010 17:51:44 GMT -5
((Remember to proof-read your posts before you submit them, makes all the difference.))
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Kay was sitting quietly at this point in class. It was math class. She hated Hattrick, but then again, she hated all of her teachers. But math... glorious mathematics.
Oh vectors... Kay thought indulgently, her pencil scratching away at the paper.
She was almost finished the question when she was stabbed sharply in the side.
"Ouch!" Shegasped. Hattrick looked up. She pretended to be writing again, looking through her hair until he continued marking papers. She turned around furiously to the perpetrator. Fatty waved a folded piece of paper at her. Kay took it and turned.
She quietly unfolded it, smoothing it out beside her notebook.
"Melvin suggested that we do some LARPing tonight. He suggested that we do it on the beach."
Kay grinned.
"Oh, It's on," She scribbled back.
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Sammy Winchester
Junior Member
My icon is suppose to be Sammy..mhmmm hahahha! *runs away*
Posts: 244
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Post by Sammy Winchester on Jun 15, 2010 17:36:25 GMT -5
(man,man,man,man I hope I can get back into the RP. Sam's missed so much!...not really, But I haven't been on there for a week or so. She needs to go back into Along the Bricked Roads, oh and New england graffi...god, I'm such a nerd. I just really wanna go back.)
''Take that you ginger!'' Sam said knocking the girl to the ground, kneeling down to get her phone back from Christy, she knew if Christy heard the boy on the phone she tell everybody in the county state, not evening knowing exactly who it was...But people would talk, and eventually they would find out. Sam can't let this happen. She's been secretly seeing Bif, hanging out with him. Not a relationship or anything, well to Sam. The ex-prep didn't know why she ''secretly'' hanged out with Bif, she just..missed him.
She put the phone back in her pocket, it was always a struggle because she was wearing skinny jeans. (She doesn't have shitty clothes, she just chooses to wear them, she wears skinny jeans, a long sleeve shirt, and a blue jacket...so, not so shitty, just the way I explain them, example. gruesome. Because their to tight.) But she always managed. She traveled to the school bus, making sure to watch behind her, nobody seeing. Well Trent seen, and Russell. But she didn't really care. They weren't going to tell anybody.
the prep opened the bus doors and went inside. There was Bif, sitting on one of the dusty, cut chairs. Smiling.
''Ginger huh?''
''Hey, come on.''
''So you just let her stay on the ground?''
''First of all,'' She looked out the window, and their was the sight of Christy on the ground holding her knee. The satisfied girl of her beating turned back to Bif''Yeah,so first of all. How do you know she was a ginger, you didn't see her, and second...no theres no other reason..'' She sat back down, on the seat across Bif.
''I was watching over the window girlie, And heard you on the phone to when you said take that ginger.''
''Look, Bif,Babe, I don't wanna have a debate over this, I love you, you were my friend since I was 12, I don't hate you.'' Sam came closer to Bif, as Bif leaned in, They were so close their noses were almost touching. Then, it happen.
''Do you have the cigarettes?''
''Why do you make me buy these things, and their under my chair.''
''Because, if they''-She reached under Bif looking like she was touching him, in a very un-friendly way and grabbed the cigarette box, popping up the lid and putting a cigarette in her mouth, still talking.''Because, Cigarettes are suppose to be for 18 and older, I'm 16.'' (Bif still can't buy them, he's 17....)
Bif lighted the cigarette for Sam, putting the green lighter back in his pocket. He didn't smoke, he just kept and bought those things for Sam.
Aw...the sweet taste of Ciggerates. The taste of sucking it in her mouth satisfied her. It was like a drug, but it wasn't. It has the same warnings, DEATH. But she won't die, she's Sam Winchester. At least to her.
''And Bif, I'm sorry for yesterday, I feel really bad.'' Her voice came out calmer, as she leaned back on the hard cushion that was left on the chair. She put her lips together, pushing out the smoke as circles of smoke came out.''Hahah, look, donuts!''
''Yeah, it's okay. I don't want anybody seeing us together either. If they find out. We can't anymore.''
''Well, thanks opposite Romeo. But, I wanna make it up to you.'' Bif's smile became bigger, it looked like he was think about something.
''You will, buy doing this.'' The boy leaned in, taking the cigarette out of Sam's mouth flicking it the behind him, that went out the window into the old mans ''space.'' He put his hand on her face, moving her more towards him.
WHAT THE-
Bif pushed the back of her head into his face, kissing her gently. Sam came out of this face chewing the second it happen. She liked Bif, but not like that.
She pushed his chest away, as he hit his chair.
''Oh yeah, your naug-''
''WHAT the HELL!?''
''What do you mean?'' She looked around, Nope, nobody else is here. He's talking to me.
''Did you just think-why did you-''
''Sam, were together,-''
''No were not! Were hanging out secretly! Bif what the hell!'' Sam said, she didn't say it in a questionable tone. It was screaming, just screaming. Sam didn't hate him, but she didn't wanna be his girlfriend, Russell was right there, looking at them from outside. The bus had see-through windows.
Everybody heard the screaming from outside, the rest of the bullies went toward the bus starring, the greasers went on the side of the bus staring, the nerds passing by were staring. Everybody was starring, hell even prefects.
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Post by professorpineapple on Jun 16, 2010 21:03:53 GMT -5
''Take that you ginger!'' Sam said knocking the girl to the ground, kneeling down to get her phone back from Christy, she knew if Christy heard the boy on the phone she tell everybody in the county state, not evening knowing exactly who it was... ((That is one sentance. All of that is one sentance. There needs to be a period in there somewhere.))[/b]But people would talk, and eventually they would find out. Sam can't let this happen. She's been secretly seeing Bif, hanging out with him. Not a relationship or anything, well to Sam. ((Watch your tenses - keep it all past-tense. Or present tense, I guess, if you want.))The ex-prep didn't know why she ''secretly'' hanged out with Bif, she just..missed him. She put the phone back in her pocket, it was always a struggle because she was wearing skinny jeans. (She doesn't have shitty clothes, she just chooses to wear them, she wears skinny jeans, a long sleeve shirt, and a blue jacket...so, not so shitty, just the way I explain them, example. gruesome. Because their to tight.) ((You could explain all this outside of parenthesis.))[/b]But she always managed. She traveled to the school bus, making sure to watch behind her, nobody seeing. (("Watching" would sound less awkward.))[/b]Well Trent seen (("saw", or "had seen"))[/b], and Russell. But she didn't really care. They weren't going to tell anybody. the prep opened the bus doors and went inside. There was Bif, sitting on one of the dusty, cut chairs. Smiling.''Ginger huh?'' ((Who said that?))[/b] ''Hey, come on.'' ((Who's talking?))[/b] ''So you just let her stay on the ground?'' ((Is there someone else here??))[/b] ''First of all,'' She looked out the window, and their was the sight of Christy on the ground holding her knee. The satisfied girl of her beating turned back to Bif''Yeah,so first of all. How do you know she was a ginger, you didn't see her, and second...no theres no other reason..'' ((I'm not totally sure what they're talking about right now. Maybe you could reword some of this?))[/b]She sat back down, on the seat across Bif. ''I was watching over the window girlie, And heard you on the phone to when you said take that ginger.'' ((I could be wrong, but I'm pretty sure quotes in dialogue is written like this: "And heard you on the phone when you said, 'Take that, Ginger.' " I think??))[/b] ''Look, Bif, ((SPACE GOES HERE PLZ))[/u]Babe, I don't wanna have a debate over this, I love you, you were my friend since I was 12, I don't hate you.'' ((Try to avoid explainy dialogue. Why is she reminding him that they've been friends since they were 12? He knows - he was there.)) Sam came closer to Bif, as Bif leaned in, They were so close their noses were almost touching. Then, it happen. ((She was just smoking - doesn't it bother him, her getting all up in his grill with smoke-breathe? Maybe not, but they should at least be aware of it.))[/b] ''Do you have the cigarettes?'' ''Why do you make me buy these things, and their under my chair.'' ((Needs a question mark after "things". Also, "their" is "belonging to them". The word you're looking for is "they're", as in "they are".))[/b] ''Because, if they''- She reached under Bif looking like she was touching him, in a very un-friendly way and grabbed the cigarette box, popping up the lid and putting a cigarette in her mouth, still talking.((Another huge sentance that needs breaking up. You can probably just switch out one of your commas for a period. Also, "still talking" is unneeded, because there's dialogue right after it. So, of course she's still talking.))[/b]''Because, Cigarettes are suppose to be for 18 and older, I'm 16.'' (Bif still can't buy them, he's 17....) ((If Bif can't buy cigarettes, how does he get them?))[/b] Bif lighted the cigarette for Sam, putting the green lighter back in his pocket. He didn't smoke, he just kept and bought those things for Sam. Aw...the sweet taste of Ciggerates. The taste of sucking it in her mouth satisfied her. ((That's what she...sorry.))[/b]It was like a drug, but it wasn't. It has the same warnings, DEATH. But she won't die, she's Sam Winchester. ((Keep it past-tense, please.))[/b] At least to her. ((Not sure what this is supposed to mean. She's only Sam Winchester to her??))[/b] ''And Bif, I'm sorry for yesterday, I feel really bad.'' Her voice came out calmer, as she leaned back on the hard cushion that was left on the chair. She put her lips together, pushing out the smoke as circles of smoke came out.''Hahah, look, donuts!'' ''Yeah, it's okay. I don't want anybody seeing us together either. If they find out. We can't anymore.'' ''Well, thanks opposite Romeo. But, I wanna make it up to you.'' Bif's smile became bigger, it looked like he was think ((ing)) about something. ((He smiles when he thinks about things? Is that why he's always frowning? [*ba-dum-ching!*))''You will, buy (("by". To "buy" is to purchase.))[/b] doing this.'' The boy leaned in, taking the cigarette out of Sam's mouth flicking it the behind him, that (("it" instead of "that"))[/b] went out the window into the old mans ''space.'' He put his hand on her face, moving her more towards him.[/i] WHAT THE-Bif pushed the back of her head into his face, kissing her gently. Sam came out of this face chewing the second it happen.((This sentance is a little unclear. Did she just chew on him?))[/b] She liked Bif, but not like that. She pushed his chest away, as he hit his chair. ((Bif's a pretty big guy. Would she really be able to push him off so easily?))[/b] ''Oh yeah, your (("you're"))[/b] naug-'' ''WHAT the HELL!?'' ((Capslock for emphasis looks off, and is hard to take seriously. Use italics instead. "What the hell!?))''What do you mean?'' She looked around, Nope, nobody else is here. He's talking to me. ((Who else would he be talking to??))''Did you just think-why did you-'' ''Sam, were ((we're))[/b] together,-'' ''No were not! Were ((we're))[/b] hanging out secretly! Bif what the hell!'' Sam said, she didn't say it in a questionable tone. It was screaming, just screaming. Sam didn't hate him, but she didn't wanna be his girlfriend, Russell was right there, looking at them from outside. The bus had see-through windows. ((Of course the windows are see-through, silly. That's what they're for.))[/b] Everybody heard the screaming from outside, the rest of the bullies went toward the bus starring((staring)), the greasers went on the side of the bus staring, the nerds passing by were staring. Everybody was starring((staring))[/b], hell even prefects.[/i][/quote] ((You seem to be making a lotta the same mistakes, like "your vs. you're" and tense-changing. When someone critiques your piece, make sure you read through their crit and take it into consideration, 'kay? )) ------- Stevie Stapleton normally didn't care much for girls in distress. People were bullied at Bullworth all the time, it wasn't anything special. Boy or girl, it was all the same to him. Stevie didn't like to play the hero. To be honest, he thought that kind of thing was rather impolite. Nosey people, those heroic-types. Always butting into other peoples' business.
But, he was fairly certain that Christy girl was related to Wade somehow - his sister or something. And Wade was his friend, so he figured he should be nice to the older girl. So, when he saw her kneeling on the ground, clutching a skinned knee, he approached.
The fourteen-year-old crouched down beside her, cocking his head to the side to look her in the face. Christy drew back a little, instinctively. The slightly confused expression told him that she was probably fine."You OK?" he asked anyway.
A little frown etched the girl's face. "N-- Ye--- That Winchester girl's a freaking psycho." Figures.[/i] Stevie shrugged. "She's an acquired taste." He'd heard that phrase from Trent, who'd heard it in some movie or other. Stevie wasn't totally sure what it meant, but he thought it sounded cool."Yeah," Christy grumbled, "Like paint thinner." Stevie didn't understand. He pulled himself to his feet, and extended a hand. "Here." "Um. Thanks." Christy took his hand, and stood up. Smoothing her skirt, she peered down at the scrape on her knee. Her nose wrinkled in disgust. "Oh, gross." Stevie eyed the small wound. It didn't look very gross to him. Just red.
He was suddenly reminded of a story his father had told him. For some reason, he felt the need to tell it."I heard there was this guy who cut his leg while on vacation or something. And somehow these barnacles got in it. And then they started growing all over his leg." He peered up at Christy, who looked about ready to lose her lunch. An awkward silence settled betweeen the two.
Finally, Christy asked, "What happened?" Stevie thought a moment. "I forget." A sudden scream caught their attention. They turned to the run-down old bus on the other side of the parking lot. There, Stevie saw the hulking, Aquaberry-clad figure of the Bif Taylor, and the back of a head of long, dark hair. Sam Winchester, no doubt."We're hanging out secretly!" she was saying "Bif, what the hell!" Stevie glanced around the parking lot. Other people had noticed, too, but no one said anything. After a moment of silence, Stevie turned to the bus, hands cupped around his mouth like a megaphone. He wolf-whistled, loud enough for the Preps to hear.
Then, letting his hands fall limply to his sides, he turned back to Christy."He probably had to get it amputated." he said."Oh..." ((Do I get a crit, too?))
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Sammy Winchester
Junior Member
My icon is suppose to be Sammy..mhmmm hahahha! *runs away*
Posts: 244
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Post by Sammy Winchester on Jun 16, 2010 21:43:25 GMT -5
(*british accent*Thanks for the crit, helped. And, yes I believe you do. Although your a good RPer, really good. So who ever post after me, crits you, because well...I'm a bad RPer and I can't crit for poop anyways, thanks for the crit professor!)
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Post by Memai on Jun 17, 2010 10:08:16 GMT -5
(( Lini , you sweet delicious beast, I like your post as it is :> Also, Stevie! ))
"I swear, she's insane, just like you!" Derby had literally hog-tied Roxy into a chair on the balcony, a forced tea-party between the medic girl and the Prep leader himself.
"I... I'm sure," the blond girl frowned, annoyed and perhaps a little frightened, "S-Sip, please?" The girl looked to a maid, who held the cup full of steaming tea to her lips and tipped it, so the small girl may drink.
"Really, did you have any part in her behaviour? Because I'd like to put a face to this tragedy." Derby took an elegant sip, never taking his eyes off Roxy. He was suspicious of her, despite her small, frail frame; hence roping her down onto the chair.
"She's... a bit wild, no? No, no, I was well into my so called 'delusion' before I've seen her around."
"Ah, then I guess I shall have a brief meeting with Bif, shortly afterwards. Speaking of which, have you seen the chap?"
"Derby, please untie me."
"Heaven's no! And have you cavorting about spreading your ideologies to other, fine members of our institution? I think not."
"Could you at least loosen the ropes?"
"Oh, fine, but afterwards."
Roxy frowned a little more at this; such a devil, this Harrington boy. The nerve of him kidnapping her from the safe, nice hallways; and then having the audacity to justify tying her down.
"Anyway, have you seen Bif?" Derby continued, finally done with tea.
"I saw him with Gord and the others before you snatched me away," her words were a little cutting for someone so kind, but this was Derby, he deserved a little word-poison now and then, "I thought he was your right hand person, shouldn't he be, oh, I don't know? By your right side?"
"Pets need to be off the leash sometimes," He smiled evilly, "And besides, he's probably at the gym anyway. We have a competition coming up."
"Fascinating, against who?"
"That Hopkins boy."
"Really? Doesn't he usually win at those things you guys put up?" She was really beginning to get sick from sitting with Derby. Normally, she could tolerate him, but that was because he was out of sight and definitely out of mind. Now she was staring at him in the face barely five feet apart.
Roxy smiled a little though, when she saw an irritated twitch in the corner of Derby's mouth, "Well this time we've got the rat squared away!" Perhaps the Prep said that with a little too much enthusiasm; he had slammed his fist on the table with vigor, sending a shocked Roxy to jump in her seat a little (or as much as she could move, she was tied up after all).
"But thank you for reminding me," the blonde boy said, reaching for his phone in his back pocket, "I need to call Bif anyway, we need to perfect our little plan against Hopkins, anyway." With swift fingers, he dialed for the boxer, smiling all the way with evil intent.
"Hello? Bif? Hello, Bif? Can you hear me?"
Truthfully, Roxy was a little worried; Bif was a good kid, it was just that he always believed in Derby a little too much. So when she saw Derby's tense face when calling Bif, she was sure that the poor oaf had got himself into a spot of trouble.
"Untie yourself, girl. We're going to see Bif!" He slammed his phone shut, dragging the chair Roxy was on, behind him.
(( Heehee ))
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Post by professorpineapple on Jun 17, 2010 18:14:18 GMT -5
((Aw, you're sweet, Mems <3 I'm Lini, though. UnknownTerritory is Jackie Anyway, I couldn't resist... My webcam barfed all over it :S ))
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Sammy Winchester
Junior Member
My icon is suppose to be Sammy..mhmmm hahahha! *runs away*
Posts: 244
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Post by Sammy Winchester on Jun 17, 2010 18:20:00 GMT -5
''We're done, Sam, Done.'' Bif said going toward the bus doors.
''What do you mean?'' Sam replied looking out the window.
Stevie?...Hey where is that big guy that was here a minute ago? She turned back to the ginger with a confused look. Then she began to think of when her mother told her what love was. She always made her sit down and explain exactly what it was in very short words. “Love is when two people who care for each other get confused” But that made her feel odd. She didn't love Bif. He was her friend. And this is not the scenario for the confusing and love speech. This is a whole different situation.
''Didn't you just hear me on the phone? It's was Derby, and he's coming here.'' Bif was always the one to tell, he was a good kid. Which was a bit annoying to Sam.
''You idiot!'' Sam yelled, the love and confusion speech just died of a heart attack. Damn Bif, Why does Derby always need to get involved?
''Why am I a idiot?'' Bif shrugged pointing to himself.
''Why did you tell him?'' Bif was Sam's best friend, but sometimes Sammy was so confused over Bif's behavior.
''Uh, I don't know Sam. Oh right I'm his bodyguard!'' The ginger was so sarcastic.
''Oh, sorry I can't hear you, over your sarcasticness!'' The girl put her fingers through her hair, and sighed, feeling like there is no real reason to get upset. She just...didn't care.
Just fuck it...
''Excuse me Idiot.'' The girl walked over to Bif, trying to go to the bus doors. Her shoulder hit Bif's as she grunted. Sam was angry, and frustrated at this ginger. Every single time something like this happens, she just wants to go invisible and punch everyone who made things like this happen.
She pushed the doors open, as Bif backed up, they both glared at the random kids looking at them.
''Sam? What are you doing in there? With Bif?'' Stevie asked, going in front of Christy to Sam.
''We were..I was smoking. And Bif just attacked me and kis-''
''Oh no, You're not telling anyone.'' Bif came behind her. If she tell, Christy was there. Then she tell Gord, who tell Tad, who tell Parker, who will also tell Derby. He can't let that happen.
Are you really scared of a someone who is five feet? Really Bif? Are just stupid? Your the one who kissed me big shot...
The girl turned around to say something, But the sun hit her face, making her eyes tear up. She moved more toward Bif. His head blocked the sun perfectly for Sam, he was taller then her so it was the perfect fit. But the only thing wrong was that they were too close, they were looking each other right in the eye. His nose was almost touching hers.
''Are you guys gonna kiss or something?'' Stevie patted Sammy's shoulder.
''No...Thats not going to happen.'' Sam replied, and began to look at the ground, she didn't want Bif to kiss her again or something. Sam was so frustrated now, she felt like if anyone said anything to her that made her mad, she yell on the top of her lungs. Everything backfired for her. She just wanted to smoke a cigarette and talk with her friend.
Fuck, why does every single thing I do is so hard for me? Why does every single thing back fire...jesus christ.
''Are you sure Winchester? You sure do look like you want to.'' Bif chuckled as he moved her chin up.
She pushed his hand away and walked a couple feet away from him, blocking her eyes with her hand from the dangerous sun, she began to think of a clever reply, why wouldn't she? This is Sammy, not some wimpy kid. She had to win, The ex-prep just had to get the last word.
Hm...Hopfully this won't back fire.
''No, the sun was blinding me, so I used your big ass head as a shield for me.''
Bif's mouth opened, but no words. How could he reply to something like that? She literally just owned him.
''A burn!'' She said as she laughed. She put her hair over her ear, and turned around at the distant scream.
''Bif! What are you doing!'' The blond boy yelled, walking with a very frustrated face.
''Oh jeez, Mr. Andy Dick is coming here.'' Sam said folding her arms, now she was just aggravated. This was none of Derby's business. This is Bif and Her business.
Stevie chuckled, as the rest of the kids looked over at the boy walking toward them.
Why does this Blondie always have to do this? Every freaking thing I do it always ends up with him getting mad and talking to me or Bif.
''Sam, why do you always do this?'' Bif came in front of her, folding his arms now. Acting like it was her fault.
''Uh, you're the one who called him! And you kissed me!'' How to hell can he say that? He was just disney and ketchup and now he claims Derby coming here is my fault? What the hell?
''You kissed!?'' Christy came forward with her hand over her face. How juicy! She thought.
(Fixed the your and you're problem, every time I just forget, sorry. And I described their actions pretty well, no? Can't wait for the crit.)
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Sammy Winchester
Junior Member
My icon is suppose to be Sammy..mhmmm hahahha! *runs away*
Posts: 244
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Post by Sammy Winchester on Jun 17, 2010 18:22:00 GMT -5
((Aw, you're sweet, Mems <3 I'm Lini, though. UnknownTerritory is Jackie Anyway, I couldn't resist... My webcam barfed all over it :S )) Oh my god! Thats so cute! Hahah, lol I love Roxy's expression, this looks wonderful Professor, ha ha. ''Marvelous tea.'' ''Oh god...'' Haha, you even drew the ropes on her!
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Post by Memai on Jun 18, 2010 2:34:04 GMT -5
(( FFFFF I SORRY! I GOT YOUR NAMES ALL CONFUZZLED ;; *flogs self* Especially since you draw me delicious hog-tied tea parties <3 ))
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Post by professorpineapple on Jun 18, 2010 18:23:22 GMT -5
((S'okay ;D)) ''We're done, Sam, Done.'' Bif said going toward the bus doors. ''What do you mean?'' Sam replied looking out the window. Stevie?...Hey where is that big guy that was here a minute ago? She turned back to the ginger with a confused look. Then she began to think of when her mother told her what love was. She always made her sit down and explain exactly what it was in very short words. ((Why? It seems a little awkward to just mention this, rather than have a flashback. You could just say "she remembered what her mother had told her" or something.))[/b] “Love is when two people who care for each other get confused” But that made her feel odd. She didn't love Bif. ((Then why did she think about what her mother had told her about love? Did she felt like she might love him?))[/b]He was her friend. And this is not the scenario for the confusing and love speech. ((can take out the "and" and this sentance will flow much nicer))[/b] This is a whole different situation. ((Indeed! So why bring it up?))[/b] ''Didn't you just hear me on the phone? It's ((Make sure you proof-read before posting, 'kay?))[/b]was Derby, and he's coming here.'' Bif was always the one to tell, ((Tell what? The truth?))[/b] he was a good kid. Which was a bit annoying to Sam. ''You idiot!'' Sam yelled, the love and confusion speech just died of a heart attack. ((It did what now?)) Damn Bif, Why does Derby always need to get involved?''Why am I a idiot?'' Bif shrugged pointing to himself. ((Why's he pointing to himself? Seems odd.))[/b] ''Why did you tell him?'' Bif was Sam's best friend, but sometimes Sammy was so confused over (("by" would work better here. "Over" sounds awkward.))[/b] Bif's behavior. ''Uh, I don't know Sam. Oh right I'm his bodyguard!'' The ginger was so sarcastic. ''Oh, sorry I can't hear you, over your sarcasticness!'' ((If she's gonna come out and say that he was sarcastic, you can cut out that "the ginger was so sarcastic" line.))[/b] The girl put her fingers through her hair, ((Did she run her fingers through her hair? Twist them through her hair? "Put" makes it sound like she stuck them in here and just kinda let them hang. Which is weird.))[/b] and sighed, feeling like there is ((was[/b] no real reason to get upset. She just...didn't care. ((No need for ellipsis - they just make the sentance all choppy-like. Try not to use them outside of dialogue, 'cause they can be a little tricky.))[/b] Just fuck it...''Excuse me Idiot.'' The girl walked over to Bif, trying to go to the bus doors. Her shoulder hit Bif's as she grunted. Sam was angry, and frustrated ((Frustrated and angry mean pretty much the same thing. Pick one.))[/b] at this ginger. Every single time something like this happens, she just wants (("Wanted." And you were doing so well with your tenses, too.))[/b] to go invisible and punch everyone who made things like this happen. She pushed the doors open, as Bif backed up, they both glared at the random kids looking at them. ((One of those commas needs to become a period. As one whole sentance, this is confusing. Too much going on at once.))[/b] ''Sam? What are you doing in there? With Bif?'' Stevie asked, going in front of Christy to Sam. ''We were..I was smoking. And Bif just attacked me and kis-'' ''Oh no, You're not telling anyone.'' Bif came behind her. If she tell, Christy was there. ((Not totally sure what you're trying to say here. If she told, Christy would be there? But Christy's already there.))[/b]Then she tell ((would tell))[/b] Gord, who tell ((would tell))[/b] Tad, who tell ((would tell))[/b] Parker, who will also tell ((would tell))[/b] Derby. He can't ((couldn't))[/b] let that happen. ((OK, so Bif doesn't want anyone to know what happened. Fair enough. But, if he wanted to keep it a secret, would he really say "You're not telling anyone" out loud, right in front of a bunch of other people? Now everyone knows something's up. You should change that line of dialogue to something a helluva lot more subtle.))[/b] Are you really scared of a someone who is five feet? Really Bif? Are just stupid? Your((YOU'RE)) the one who kissed me ((comma goes here)) big shot...[/b] The girl turned around to say something, But ((Why is this capitalized? Did you mean to put a period instead of a comma?))[/b] the sun hit her face, making her eyes tear up. She moved more toward Bif. His head blocked the sun perfectly for Sam, he was taller then ((than))[/b] her so it was the perfect fit. But the only thing wrong was that they were too close, they were looking each other right in the eye. ((If he's taller than she is, she'd need to be looking up to look him in the eye, wouldn't she? But the sun was in her eyes, so one would assume she'd be looking anywhere but up, because up is where the sun is.))[/b] His nose was almost touching hers. ((Whoa, whoa, why's she all up in his grill like that, dawg? There's a little thing called personal space. Also she should still have smoke-breathe, probably))[/b] ''Are you guys gonna kiss or something?'' Stevie patted Sammy's shoulder. ((Sammy's almost a foot taller than Stevie. He could reach her shoulder, but that would require stretching up kinda high. Too much work for Stevie - he's a very lazy boy.))[/b] ''No...Thats (("That's", with an apostrophe [ ' ] ))[/b] not going to happen.'' Sam replied, and began to look at the ground, she didn't want Bif to kiss her again or something. ((Change that last comma into a period - this phrase can stand on its own.))[/b] Sam was so frustrated now, she felt like if anyone said anything to her that made her mad, she yell on ((she WOULD yell AT))[/b]the top of her lungs. Everything backfired for her. She just wanted to smoke a cigarette and talk with her friend. ((Who is "her friend" here? Bif? But she's kind of mad at him right now...))[/b] Fuck, why does every single thing I do is so hard for me? ((Why does everything she do is so hard for her? What??)) Why does every single thing back fire...jesus christ.''Are you sure Winchester? You sure do look like you want to.'' Bif chuckled as he moved her chin up. ((OK, what the hell is he doing? I thought he wanted it to be a big secret that he was hanging out with Sam - why's he making moves on her out in the open, in front of everyone?))[/b] She pushed his hand away and walked a couple feet away from him, blocking her eyes with her hand from the dangerous sun, ((Should end sentance here.))[/b] she began to think of a clever reply, why wouldn't she? This is ((Tenses! Watch them!)) Sammy, not some wimpy kid. She had to win, The((This comma-followed-by-capitalized-word thing keeps throwing me off. Unless you meant to put a period instead of a comma, the only words that should be capitalized in the middle of sentances should be proper nouns))ex-prep just had to get the last word.
Hm...Hopfully this won't back fire.
''No, the sun was blinding me, so I used your big ass head as a shield for me.''
Bif's mouth opened, but no words. How could he reply to something like that? She literally just owned him. ((How was that "owning", might I ask? She was just telling the truth, in a snarky sort of way. If Bif was embarrassed, that'd be understandable, but no one was "owned" here.))
''A burn!'' She said as she laughed. She put her hair over her ear, and turned around at the distant scream. ((There was a distant scream? When?))[/b] ''Bif! What are you doing!'' The blond boy yelled, walking with a very frustrated face. ((When I read "distant scream", I thought of a woman's terrified shriek. Now all I see is Derby, screaming like a girl in my mind's eye. And it is beautiful.))[/b] ''Oh jeez, Mr. Andy Dick ((Mr. Who?))[/b] is coming here.'' ((We know he's coming over here, Sam doesn't have to say it. Something like "Here comes Mr. Andy Dick" would work better. Also, who's Andy Dick?))[/b] Sam said ((Comma here!))[/b] folding her arms, ((Period here!))[/b] now she was just aggravated. ((Wasn't she already aggravated? I'm pretty sure it's the same thing as being mad, just with more letters.)) This was none of Derby's business. This is Bif and Her business. (("Her" doesn't need to be capitalized, and this whole sentance needs to be reworded. Maybe something like "This was their business - Bif and Sam's"?))[/b] Stevie chuckled, as the rest of the kids looked over at the boy walking toward them. Why does this Blondie always have to do this? Every freaking thing I do it always ends up with him getting mad and talking to me or Bif.''Sam, why do you always do this?'' Bif came in front of her, folding his arms now. Acting like it was her fault. ((Wait, do what?))[/b] ''Uh, you're the one who called him! And you kissed me!' ((What does kissing her have to do with any of this stuff with Derby? Why bring it up?))[/b] How to hell can he say that? He was just disney and ketchup ((What.))and now he claims Derby coming here is my fault? What the hell? ''You kissed!?'' Christy came forward with her hand over her face. How juicy! She thought. ((Oh hey, Christy. I forgot you were there.))[/quote] ((Still needs work, but you're getting better at keeping it all past-tense. And there was only one your/you're problem, so your grammar is definately improving. But, the characters all seem to do and say things for no reason. It's good to know why they do and say things - there should be reasons behind their actions. And "just because" is not a good reason.)) ---------------- Stevie and Christy looked back and forth between the three speakers. It was like watching a tennis match. Whatever was going on between the three Preppies, it looked interesting.
Or stupid. The rich kids at Bullworth always found something stupid to fight about. Stevie liked to think it was because they had so much money - no real problems, so they had to purposely look for things to get angry about. A nice dose of drama to make the day more interesting, and then they'd retire to the Harrington House for some caviar and white wine from Italy. And afterwards, they'd smoke pipes or play cricket or something.
Christy glanced down at Stevie, a devious smile playing across her face. The corners of the boy's mouth twitched upwards. Though he'd never admit it, Stevie liked gossip just as much as she did. There were some ridiculous stories floating around Bullworth. Although, more often than not, the truth was a little on the dull side. Stevie liked to liven it up a little."Taylor tried to cop a feel," he whispered to the red-haired girl. "Money was exchanged." Christy giggled into her hand. It was an obvious lie, they both knew, but that didn't matter. It was more interesting - Christy'd be telling that version to the cheerleading squad later.
While she didn't particularly like this Stapleton kid, she had to admit that he did tell a good story. When there weren't barnacles involved, anyway.
Harrington had arrived on the scene dragging a chair behind him. A fancy Harrington House chair, too. It was a little weird, Stevie thought, and then he noticed the little blonde girl hog-tied down to it. He didn't know what to think after that.
He nudged Christy, who looked raised an eyebrow at the sight."Is that Roxy Smith?" she mumbled, and Stevie shrugged."I dunno who that is," he muttered back. Stevie didn't know why they were being so quiet, but it seemed polite.
Derby's captive looked rather uncomfortable. Her eyes caught Stevie's, and he waved. It seemed like the right thing to do.
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Sammy Winchester
Junior Member
My icon is suppose to be Sammy..mhmmm hahahha! *runs away*
Posts: 244
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Post by Sammy Winchester on Jun 18, 2010 22:59:05 GMT -5
((Posting! Pretty good crit Professor, and Andy Dick...Search him on goggle or something, I used the line from family guy. ''Aw jeez, Andy Dick..'' ''Who's Andy dick?'' ''He's terrible Brian, where ever he is he ruins everybody's time.'' ''Hey everybody!'' *Andy falls over* ''I'm such a cluts!'' *everybody runs away from the club* And Disney and Ketchup, means funny and nice, got that line from Shane Dawson.Anyways, I'm posting now and I'll use all the advice. And what happen with Stevey and Christy? It sounded like Sam and Bif weren't there....you make nerdy girl sad. haha)
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Post by professorpineapple on Jun 18, 2010 23:09:25 GMT -5
((Oh yeah, I remember that Family Guy episode. Makes sense now.
Stevie and Christy are just kinda watching from the sidelines. Because they're nosey.))
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Sammy Winchester
Junior Member
My icon is suppose to be Sammy..mhmmm hahahha! *runs away*
Posts: 244
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Post by Sammy Winchester on Jun 19, 2010 1:51:28 GMT -5
((Oh yeah, I remember that Family Guy episode. Makes sense now. Stevie and Christy are just kinda watching from the sidelines. Because they're nosey.)) ''What the hell?'' Sam turned around from Bif, the sight of Derby dragging a chair with someone on it, kind of frighten her. ''Is that Roxy?'' Bif walked closer, and squinted his eyes. He known who Roxy was, and the way he knew her was because Derby said she was a lunatic. But Derby seemed like the lunatic dragging someone on a chair. Oh my god...What in the world?''You! What are you doing with that remedial?!'' Derby said still dragging the chair, the sound of wood hitting the concrete was so unpleasant. It's like a opera singer singing a high note in your ear, it's so bad it makes your eye's squint and tear up. Derby wasn't really the one who can talk, he was dragging someone behind his back on a chair for pete sake! Sam looked around, and scratched her chin with a very confusing look. ...Hm Derby has that girl tied up in a chair dragging her. Yet, he calls me a waste of time..I think. Isn't that what remedial means? I heard it before when he explained that Roxy girl...okay...?Bif starred at her for a minute, there was just a big pause of silence after Derby screamed. Then he returned his eyes back to his leader. Not saying a word. How could he? Bif was kind of embarrassed, but there's no reason to be, he's the one who called Derby in the first place, right? Sammy's hand dropped to her side, as Derby stopped walking and let the chair sit still.''So, can I have a pleasant answer Bif?'' Derby brushed himself off, and put some hair behind his ear. Say something clever god damn't.....Why aren't you saying anything? What's a matter with you Bif? The girl thought, now things were just getting awkward. Then super weird when The ex-prep looked over at the garage. There was Christy and Stevey just looking at the whole situation. She glared over back at Bif, what else would she do? Wave at them and ask if they wanted to join the whole debate of why Bif was here?Stevie?..Christy...Oh yeah, back to Bif.Still he didn't say nothing, it was like he was brain dead, he just went silent. You can see he was really nervous, his body was stiff and his hands were kind of shaking. But it was like he didn't know how to speak either. Bif never even came up with anything to say to Derby if he caught them. And now that it happened, he goes silent? Aw fuck Bif, why do I always need to save your ass?...Okay, something clever and believable...''I uh.. I saw Bif, and so I hit him...with my slingshot.'' Hoping Derby wouldn't ask her to show him her slingshot, because Sam didn't have one, she came up with the most fastest thing. It made no sense. Why was Bif in the bullies hangout in the first place? Derby knew something was going on behind his back, and it wasn't a surprise birthday party. He had a good reason to think she was lying, this was Sammy Winchester. He remembered when she lied about her mother dieing to get tickets for the aqua-berry model show in 0'6. And she got those tickets. But back to the explaining part. ''Uh...yeah.'' Bif came back, shaking his head a bit. He was lost for a minute, but why? Was he really that scarred to get kicked out of the Preppy clique?''Really...Now I must ask-'' Derby had got cut off by Sam, who was focusing on the person sitting on the chair. Why was Derby even dragging a chair with a person on it behind him to begin with? This was so confusing to Sammy. ''Hey, who is that?'' Not even remembering what name Bif said nearly a couple minutes ago, she questioned. Why didn't anybody question Derby eariler about that girl in the chair that was behind Him? Did Sam really just notice that now? Why was she so focus before on what Bif would say back to Derby? Sam didn't care that much, did she? Are those...ropes too?''Don't interrupt me you rejected Harrington!'' Derby snapped. ''You fucking snob! You have a girl, tied up to a chair!'' Sammy shrugged as her hands came up. Who the hell does Derby think he is? Screw you Blondie. Sam walked behind Derby, who stepped aside starring at her moves. The prep became calmer and ran her fingers through her hair as she kneeled down, looking at the familiar face.''Roxy? What happen?'' ''We had uh...tea.'' The girl look frightened as the ropes hugged her. What in the world was Derby doing to you? Tea? Come on...? The dirty images in Sam's head were repulsive. Oh god....Ew...Nah that never happened. This is Roxy, that girl who hates Derby..''You're kidding right? Have you noticed the ropes tied-'' ''Silence rebel!'' Derby came more toward, angry and tired with Sam's behavior now. ''Rebel?... I like that.'' That word was so cool to Sam. ''Derby, You're acting like this is-'' Bif got cut off. ''Bif, just stay silent. I must ask though-'' Derby pulled Sam up from her arm. Her arm started to hurt, as Derby grabbed it with all his force, Sam was heavy. The ex-prep wasn't 90 pounds...She tried to grab his hand and push it away, put soon as she got a hold of his hand, he clenched her arm harder.
''Fuck!'' Sam yelled at Derby as she began to feel more pain in her arm, Stevie starred as the girl was literally getting lifted by one arm from the taller prep. She was about to elbow him but he let her go. Now, Derby's hands were folded, Sam was holding her injured arm, and Bif praying to god his leader wouldn't kick him out of the clique, Derby looked Sam right in her eyes and began to speak. ''I seen Bif 30 minutes ago, why would he be here. In this filth you chaps call hangout.'' ''Hey tough guy, I really don't wanna answer. You wanna know why? There's a girl tied up to a freaking chair behind you!'' She yelled in his face, as the smell of cigarettes and candy filled the air around him. His forefinger and thumb clench on his nose, swaying his other hand in the air to throw the smell in another direction. He let go of his nose, making a very disgusting face.''Have you been...smoking cigarettes with this chap?'' Derby turned around to Bif, ''Have you been smoking cigarettes with this chap?'' Sam said in a mocking tone.''Why not, have you seen Roxy tied up to the chair and no one cares and I made Sam's arm black and blue? What the hell?!'' Her hands opened up in the air. What's wrong with you Derby? Was there really a reason to ask that? You have a girl tied up to a chair, made Sammy's arm black and blue (One time when I was on a roller coaster, my first one. I clench my moms arm so bad, when we went off, there was a spot on her arm that was blue and purple...so you can edit where appropriate, I just think it's realistic cause thats actually happen to me before.), confronting Bif about why he's hanging out with Sam, and you pick why Sam's breath smells like cigarettes? Bif's doesn't, why are you asking him? ''I wonder what their talking about?'' Christy half kneeled down with her hands on her knees. ''Probably something about that girl tied up in the chair.'' Stevie replied.
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