Big Choda
Junior Member
Peaches for prof.
Posts: 209
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Post by Big Choda on Mar 23, 2012 11:12:02 GMT -5
((Ok people I will now write my first rp with my character Jermaine, it will be the arrival of Jermaine to Bullworth Academy. It is set a year after events of Bully.))
Aisha Daniels' job at the Yum Yum Market required her to wake up at ten o'clock in the morning, an hour and a half after Jermaine was supposed to wake up. It was September the 1st, and the 16 year old's first day in his new school.
However, when Aisha woke up she found Jermaine's bag in the living room, and realized that the boy was still sleeping. She opened his bedroom door and shouted:
"Jermaine! Wake up, you're late for school!"
Jermaine woke up and looked at his mother with his sleepy eyes. The next moment, he realized what happened and quickly jumped out of bed. It took approximately ten minutes for him to get dressed and go to the bathroom, and he left their Bullworth Town apartment in fifteen minutes past ten, turning on his mp3 player to listen to gangsta rap music.
He reached the Academy in half past ten, and nervously walked through the main gate.
((Sorry it's so short.))
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Post by professorpineapple on Apr 3, 2012 13:42:38 GMT -5
OH DANG I NEVER SAW THIS SORRY
The writing's not bad, but the scene itself wouldn't be a very good way to introduce your character. In my old creative writing class, it was generally advised not to start off your story with your character waking up and getting ready in the morning, unless there was something peculiar about their morning routine, or the actual story begins there (for example, if they wake up and find themselves in a strange place).
It's hard to tell just where the focus is in this post, because it's so condensed. If you wanted to show something about Jermaine's home life - the fact that his mother works earlier in the morning, or that Jermaine is lazy - then that should be expanded on a little bit. Maybe take a paragraph to describe how Aisha was always wide-awake and ready for work, or still looked tired but pulled herself out of bed anyway (whichever the case is.) Or whatever you think is significant.
Or, if you want the focus to be on Jermaine arriving at school, and feeling nervous, you can start by showing him walking to school, and maybe have him think back to being dragged out of bed by his mother. You don't have to write a huge scene, but starting with Jermaine walking to school can give you some time to get into his head a little bit, and tell what he might be thinking about this new town, or about his new school.
Hope that helps!
(Also, on a slightly unrelated note, I adore the name Aisha.)
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