Big Choda
Junior Member
Peaches for prof.
Posts: 209
|
Post by Big Choda on Apr 7, 2012 14:10:26 GMT -5
((The first part is pretty...corny imo. I don't know how to describe it, but it looks like a soap opera conversation to me. The second part doesn't really seem believable because I don't think that Bullies would dare pick on a girl, especially a girl who is Juri Karamazov's friend, Russell or no Russell.))
|
|
|
Post by Bubonic Plague on Apr 7, 2012 14:31:44 GMT -5
((:V Uh...I need actual critiques, not opinions.))
|
|
|
Post by UnknownTerritory on Apr 7, 2012 14:33:29 GMT -5
((most critiques are opinions. I suggest you listen to him, he's shown to be quite wise.))
|
|
|
Post by Bubonic Plague on Apr 7, 2012 14:43:02 GMT -5
((Ok BigChoda, can you at least give me some examples that can actually help me become a better RPer?
Saying that this is "corny" doesn't really help me figure out what needs to be modified.
Please be specific with your opinions...))
|
|
Big Choda
Junior Member
Peaches for prof.
Posts: 209
|
Post by Big Choda on Apr 7, 2012 15:02:00 GMT -5
((The dialogue between Juri and Mikhaila seems soap opera-ish. Like, "I love you but this isn't working for us!" "Oh, but I could never go away from you!". I don't think two teenagers would really talk that way. I'm not experienced as a roleplayer so I can't give you any good advice on how the dialogue should go, but I think it shouldn't go that way.
And again, Bullies bullying her isn't a good idea, because at Bullworth picking on girls gets punished more severely so those guys probably know better.
And UnknownTerritory, do I sense sarcasm there?))
|
|
|
Post by UnknownTerritory on Apr 7, 2012 15:14:26 GMT -5
((No. If I'm being sarcastic, I make it known to everyone.))
|
|
|
Post by Bubonic Plague on Apr 7, 2012 17:43:05 GMT -5
((Oh, and I changed the title to make it look like Mikhaila was more angry than she would be hopeless for love.))
|
|
Big Choda
Junior Member
Peaches for prof.
Posts: 209
|
Post by Big Choda on Apr 7, 2012 17:54:03 GMT -5
((They wouldn't like her but wouldn't bully her either due to her being friends with Juri.))
|
|
|
Post by UnknownTerritory on Apr 7, 2012 18:02:50 GMT -5
((they don't have to bully her to not be nice to her. Tony for example (because Terrance and Jodie will talk smack like it's nobody's business). He'll be outright horribly mean to her, but he would never bully her. His mama would beat his ass for picking on a girl, and it's against his morals.
666 posts? Ohohohohoh radical))
|
|
Big Choda
Junior Member
Peaches for prof.
Posts: 209
|
Post by Big Choda on Apr 7, 2012 21:34:58 GMT -5
((I don't think it was bad.Who's the kid?))
|
|
|
Post by Memai on Apr 8, 2012 3:27:42 GMT -5
Another practice thread? Look, darling, I know we asked you to come on over to these little parts to improve your writing but you DO NOT need to make a new thread every single time, spam it up, then discard it D: Please stick to one thread, it's easier to track your improvements that way (also, doesn't clutter up the boards DX). So I beg the question; what is the point of this thread if you're just going to constantly delete posts you're unhappy with and then critique yourself? The point of critique threads are so that OTHER USERS can point out what's wrong. If you notice a mistake you made on your post, you do not need to post your own evaluations on it; either edit it to how you like it, or keep the points you've made or noticed for your next post. Posting self-depreciating thoughts like that make you look like an attention whore, and you're looking very suspect. Also, wow, kid, either you're just not paying attention to what we're saying, or you just don't understand; but you've got called out for using other people's characters, stop using other people's OCs you aren't familiar with. Stevie is the kid who never gets noticed ever, and you never wrote WHY Mikhaila noticed him in the first place. Professor NEVER consented for you to use her character, so it's a pretty rude thing to do. Especially when you've been called out on butchering OCs that were otherwise easy to write for. It doesn't matter if it's MY character, Choda's character, Professor's characters; if you don't know what they're like, and let's face it, you aren't going to read those character profiles any time soon, stop trying to write them. It doesn't impress anyone, in fact, it annoys us. Just keep to Mikhaila and some of the canon characters for a while, please. Also, writing tip, since apparently I'm a 'pro' ( ), but never, NEVER[/u][/i] use a thesaurus for 'bigger, exotic' words. Thesauruses are fantastic for a host of other things, but certainly not when trying to write prose. If your character is wearing a green dress, just say she has a green dress, not fabrics of viridian draped delicately around her waifish frame. Try to convey your idea in as few words as you can. Keep it simple. You do not need to bog us down with detail, because that shit's boring. If you're afraid of repetition in your prose, try to rephrase them differently. For example, if you have two characters talking, you don't need to do this: Instead, you could just do this: Now, hopefully, you'll take these points and think about using them to improve your next posts. And you know, stop thinking we're all here to pick on you. This isn't the wiki, we practice honesty here and if you get pulled up, you get pulled up.
|
|
|
Post by Bubonic Plague on Apr 8, 2012 9:58:56 GMT -5
((I finally understand clearly that I should never even mention that the OC exists at all. For this post, I don't want anybody to RP back. This is for my own good, so I'll be writing this out all to myself. However, anyone is free to critique me as I continue with my old previous thread.))
|
|